Holding onto the "is"...

I am amazed at time. Amazed by God's creation, beauty, mystique, grace, love, etc. etc. I am amazed at myself. I am amazed that at times all of that (the stuff listed about God) doesn’t seem to phase me as it should. I am amazed that even though He’s walked me through an area of my life, that I go right back there and need to be led out again. I’m amazed that He continues to do it. This past weekend I found myself back at this place I didn’t want to be in. I found myself wanting to block out everyone and everything. I found myself getting so beat up that I honestly wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I found myself fighting off thoughts that I haven’t had in a long time. I found myself battling the issue of my worth once again. I find myself holding on the "is". The statement of how are you? Followed by an answer of of Steph is...

It all started late last week. I’ve had so many things going on between working two jobs and volunteering and home group and all of the things life brings that it is a struggle to get to the gym. I don’t know whether it’s the meds I’m on or what, but when I put on a pair of jeans that have been loose on me, I lost it, in a bad way. They were so tight I could barely squeeze them on without having to unbutton them. It seemed as though all the progress that I had made last year with losing weight came to a screeching halt and started back peddling in a hurry. It amazes me how something so small as tight jeans can throw a girl into a tailspin.

By the end of the weekend I was feeling so bruised from the thoughts I had to fight off. The thoughts like, “Steph, you have a great personality, but your just not pretty enough to date.” “Steph, you know if you were prettier, you would probably have more friends that are guys.” “Steph, how’s the dating life? Oh ya, that’s right…you’ve never had a guy pursue you...hmm...I wonder why that is?” “Wow Steph, your 24 and you've never dated. Now I know you don’t define your worth by your dating status, but seriously Steph…something must not be clicking if you’ve never had a guy interested in you even once in your life…something’s got to be up with that right?” “Why do you even try….” “Steph, aren’t you suppose to find all of your worth and beauty in Jesus? Why isn’t that working for you huh?” “Why does it seem that something is always missing with you Steph? Something is always not in place? Why do you try to act like everything is ok and gloss over the surface of these questions? You should really evaluate yourself more..things just aren't working right.” “Why are you so intense at times? That probably has something to do with the lack of guys in your life. You realize the Lord made you too hard to handle?” “You are like the apple at the top of the tree. Most people won’t go up there to find you, partially because your hidden and no one sees you anyway.”

That’s basically what I contended with all weekend. I went to a concert on Saturday before work. I got so uncomfortable in my own skin that I had to leave earlier than I planned because I just couldn’t handle being around people. I was on the verge of tears all weekend. I think the thing that frustrates me the most is that I want to find all of my worth and beauty in Jesus and see myself the way He does and I keep finding myself in a place where I still want to have a guy pursue me. I still want a guy to hold me in his arms and feel his warmth and that safe and secure feeling. I still want a guy to look into my eyes and tell me that I’m beautiful and I know that he isn’t lying. So what’s the catch 22? I don’t want just any guy to do that. I want the guy that I’m going to marry to do that. I’m want him to be here right now in such a bad way, yet I know that if he’s not, one of us isn’t where God needs us to be and at times I have a feeling that it’s me. I know that if I had just any guy telling me any of those things that in the end I would be even more shattered than I feel at the moment. I am frustrated because where I am in this very moment and time everything God has told me doesn’t seem to hold the weight that it probably should. Maybe I just have gotten to a point where I don’t see me the way He sees me. I pray that I will again. There are just so many things going on in my head right now that I just need all of the negative junk out and only to have God’s truth in there. I need more of Him and I know that. I just want to be renewed and stop tormenting myself by getting all hyper analytical based on the thoughts that are being spoken by society and by my enemy. ~ Steph