Originally posted November 24, 2007
I don't know what it is about spending time with God at work. That may be the reason why I am in the office at 10:00 on a Saturday morning. I just woke up with the urge to come in. There are so many things going on in my head right now that I need to get answers for and I know the solution. I know what it's going to take to get these answers. It's just waiting for the right time. So trying to get away from my analytical mind, I decided to come into work for a bit and work on my credit pile, (which can be mindless work after a while) and spend time with God listening to His word. Well He JUST spoke to me to help calm down what I am feeling inside. Psalm 27:10 says in the amplified version: "Although my father and my mother have forsaken me, yet the Lord will take me up [adopt me as His child]." The beautiful thing is you can apply this to more than just your parents abandoning you. It can be from members of the opposite sex to life in general. It is saying that no matter what anyone else says or does to you, God essentially looks down at you and says, "Mine", as He points you out. That is SUCH a comfort to me since I have struggled with that in the past and even now at times on the subject of being wanted. It amazes me how resilient my heart is at times. As much as I want to protect it from the entire world, it's not long before it pushes its way back out to give and receive love.
I have recently discovered what it is to be completely vulnerable with someone in a way that is foreign to me. To not only admit to someone's face 'Hey your pretty awesome and I'm interested in you' but to also admit to yourself. At that point and time all the internal lies have to stop. You have to come to grip with the fact that yep…he's intriguing and there's something about him that's caught my eye. One part that's been throwing me for a loop with this situation is that God HAS remained the center of my focus. God still is the first one I think of when I wake up in the morning AND the last one I think of when I close my eyes at sleep. The growth He has worked out in me in the last few weeks is nothing short of a God thing. I'm really starting to understand the concept of God moves when you take that step of faith. It was a step of faith to go talk with this person. I've never boldly admitted my feelings to anyone before. Then the aftermath of what God has done. Grace has been received for patience, He's worked out a lot of past issues dealing with rejection, He has still remained my main focus, and now He's taking me through confident living through Him. He seems to like to do a lot at one time, which is ok with me. Now I'm to the point where I need to know an answer. I may have already received one and I just missed it for whatever reason, but if that's the case I must be told again. I can't allow this to grow anymore if it's not supposed to. The amazing thing to me is that Steph a year ago would have just suffered in the analysis of the mind and pondering what the actions mean, which is cause for the 2nd part that is throwing me up. (Why must guys act different that what we have come to expect? It throws a wrench in the wheel!) However, God improved Steph, wants to talk with the person and find out an answer and act accordingly. Talk it out, deal with it, and move on. I'm loving this newly improved Steph.
Just like the night that I talked with this person, I will probably do it afraid. That is something else I have learned here recently. Joshua 1:9 (NIV) "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." God is saying to Joshua, "Look here's the deal. Your about to do something that will cause you to feel fear, but don't let that over come you because I'm with you the entire way. Just a heads up so you know that you will feel it." When God says 'fear not', He is NOT saying 'Do not feel fear'. The Vines Dictionary defines the word fear as follows: "first had the meaning of "flight," that which is caused by being scared; then, "that which may cause flight,"". This was a revelation to me. When I thought of 'fear not', I imagine like most people, I was under the impression that I could not FEEL fear even. That is not what God is telling us. Feelings of fear will happen and when you understand that and you can make the decision that even if I FEEL afraid, I'm not going to run, I will stay steadfast and do as God has commanded me because HE is with me. This whole thought of 'Do it afraid' has just revolutionized my thinking. I'm not going to run when I'm overwhelmed by fear. Feelings of fear can overcome me and try to get me to not do what I need to do, but God is with me and that's all I need to know. God loves me (and you)…end of story. ~Steph
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