Phew

Originally posted January 7, 2008

---Friday Jan 4, 2008

Well it's officially the first weekend of 2008. I am so excited. So much has happened since I took vacation from work a short 2 weeks ago. Since I didn't go back to Iowa, I didn't get my normal time to reflect. There isn't much to do on an 1100 mile road trip but think and reflect…and sing out loud of course!!!! In previous posts I have mentioned my list of goals. I am in awe trying to think of all the ways God has answered all of those in some form or another. Moments that stand as testaments to God working in my heart and changing me for the better. It doesn't seem like it should be a new year already. 2007 went by so fast for me. So many awesome things happened. The biggest thing that happened was the growth in my relationship with Jesus. The things that He taught and pressed into my heart. Purity in a new found way. I never understood that it was also an emotional and mental thing, not just a physical thing. Moving on from past crushes and strong holds is something else that happened. It's an amazing thing when you get delivered and set free from something that isn't healthy. I think that is something that comes with growth and accepting change with open arms. I met some amazing people this year. New found friends that are becoming like family to me. I knew when I moved out here that I would be taken care of and God would provide people in my life that would be like family because through Jesus we have a HUGE family of brothers and sisters out there. God has also revealed my purpose as I have prayed about. I'm so excited that I'm getting to head down this road. For the most part this year has been a huge up for me. I have been through a lot. But it seems that the last 2-3 months of 2007 were the biggest struggle. God was working a lot in my life. There were moments when I felt so delusional because I thought I had it right, but then I realized it wasn't. I still am so hard on myself. I am very blessed to have people in my life that will be honest with me and tell me the truth even when it is hard to hear. There was a situation that occurred this past fall that still has me in a tailspin with 'what…huh….I think I get it…' then I realize I missed the mark...then I wonder how far I missed it, and how. I'm way to flippin' analytical at times that I get really confused. I wanted so desperately to hear from God that I was easily led astray for parts of it. The awesome thing about God is even when I screw up or I don't do things as I should or I misinterpret things correctly, He can still bring beauty out of the situation. I've learned through this whole thing how important it is to be honest with myself. To deal with hurt and disappointment when it happens instead of bottling it up and maybe addressing it 5 years down the road. God fixed SOOOO many things in my heart and delivered me from a nasty past. Things that were holding me back. Things that I was trying to make others pay for. Things that others couldn't pay for. I have realized things about myself that I never saw before. These things hurt me a lot and now that I know about them it requires willingness to change. Willingness to let my flesh, my will, die to what God's will is for my life. There is something that right now I want very deeply, yet I know that if it was meant to be mine, it would be or when the time is right it will happen if it's meant to be so. It's so hard backing off of this situation right now and I know why I need to. I know that even though everything around me in the world might say otherwise, but because I've got to believe God on this, I can't pursue a guy. I'm worth being pursued. Someone said girls pursue boys, women wait to be pursued by men. It's so hard sitting back waiting for someone to see something there. There are moments when I feel like I'm going to break because I've never been pursued and the thoughts of me not being good enough or worth someone loving come back. It's hard to fight them off when everything around you seems to agree with those thoughts. I find myself asking God if there really is someone out there who will see me even a fraction of the way that He does. Will there be a sweeter love song for me? It's only because of the strength that I get from Him am I am to persevere and wait….it's an endless wait at times… and it can get very lonely… For the first time in my life my heart is finally ready for a relationship…now I've just got to wait for the right time. I wonder what was meant by some of the things said that night. I try not to let those thought consume my mind. I'm learning to let go. I don't have it down to a science. But I think that it comes through faith and patience and seeking. I don't know…

--- Monday Jan 7, 2008

Man what a rough weekend!!! You saw where Friday's post ended up at and that was the tip of what I started to go through all weekend. I felt sooo crushed by Sunday night. I could barely stand to stand. It amazes me that when something really great happens (getting a second job), that's when I go through a tough time with something else. I think I'm finally starting to come out of the funk. I'm sure ready to. I hate it when I become hermit crab like and withdraw into my shell for what results in a pity party, party of 1. Anyone who reads this that was around me on Sunday, yes I wasn't myself, yes I'm getting better, no it had nothing to do with you. It's hard for me go through something really deep like I did this weekend and still be social. I usually hide away until it's all done but I'm trying to get over that. I think that this morning I'm starting to realize that's what it is and it's because my confidence isn't rooted as deeply as it should be. Through my massive resources, God has been able to speak to my heart a bit and let me know some things. At the end of the day He loves me and calls me His and it doesn't really matter whether the rest of the world sees me in any sort of fraction like He does, especially the male part of the world. I've just gotta be myself and stop trying to repress that. It's always when I start repressing who I am at my core, by thinking I'm too much, too passionate, too delusional, I'm not good enough, or maybe that fellow from my past was right, maybe it's because I'm not pretty enough to date, that the attacks start flying and then I'm just getting bombarded and joy starts to leave…very quickly! It leaves me with my head hanging in shame as I let out a long sigh. Man oh man is it hard being a girl at times. Most of the time it is sooo hard to keep my head and my heart on the same wave length. I know how to work some of this out but it's just going to take commitment on my part to keep my eyes focused where they need to be focused. Anyhoos. Lunch break is getting ready to end and I've gotta get back to the MOTHER LOAD!!!! It's awesome taking 2 weeks off a job that always leaves you behind. Job security…gotta love it. Sorry if this makes no sense to anyone else, but getting it off my chest helps me work things out so ya…