I am amazed at time. Amazed by God's creation, beauty, mystique, grace, love, etc. etc. I am amazed at myself. I am amazed that at times all of that (the stuff listed about God) doesn’t seem to phase me as it should. I am amazed that even though He’s walked me through an area of my life, that I go right back there and need to be led out again. I’m amazed that He continues to do it. This past weekend I found myself back at this place I didn’t want to be in. I found myself wanting to block out everyone and everything. I found myself getting so beat up that I honestly wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I found myself fighting off thoughts that I haven’t had in a long time. I found myself battling the issue of my worth once again. I find myself holding on the "is". The statement of how are you? Followed by an answer of of Steph is...
It all started late last week. I’ve had so many things going on between working two jobs and volunteering and home group and all of the things life brings that it is a struggle to get to the gym. I don’t know whether it’s the meds I’m on or what, but when I put on a pair of jeans that have been loose on me, I lost it, in a bad way. They were so tight I could barely squeeze them on without having to unbutton them. It seemed as though all the progress that I had made last year with losing weight came to a screeching halt and started back peddling in a hurry. It amazes me how something so small as tight jeans can throw a girl into a tailspin.
By the end of the weekend I was feeling so bruised from the thoughts I had to fight off. The thoughts like, “Steph, you have a great personality, but your just not pretty enough to date.” “Steph, you know if you were prettier, you would probably have more friends that are guys.” “Steph, how’s the dating life? Oh ya, that’s right…you’ve never had a guy pursue you...hmm...I wonder why that is?” “Wow Steph, your 24 and you've never dated. Now I know you don’t define your worth by your dating status, but seriously Steph…something must not be clicking if you’ve never had a guy interested in you even once in your life…something’s got to be up with that right?” “Why do you even try….” “Steph, aren’t you suppose to find all of your worth and beauty in Jesus? Why isn’t that working for you huh?” “Why does it seem that something is always missing with you Steph? Something is always not in place? Why do you try to act like everything is ok and gloss over the surface of these questions? You should really evaluate yourself more..things just aren't working right.” “Why are you so intense at times? That probably has something to do with the lack of guys in your life. You realize the Lord made you too hard to handle?” “You are like the apple at the top of the tree. Most people won’t go up there to find you, partially because your hidden and no one sees you anyway.”
That’s basically what I contended with all weekend. I went to a concert on Saturday before work. I got so uncomfortable in my own skin that I had to leave earlier than I planned because I just couldn’t handle being around people. I was on the verge of tears all weekend. I think the thing that frustrates me the most is that I want to find all of my worth and beauty in Jesus and see myself the way He does and I keep finding myself in a place where I still want to have a guy pursue me. I still want a guy to hold me in his arms and feel his warmth and that safe and secure feeling. I still want a guy to look into my eyes and tell me that I’m beautiful and I know that he isn’t lying. So what’s the catch 22? I don’t want just any guy to do that. I want the guy that I’m going to marry to do that. I’m want him to be here right now in such a bad way, yet I know that if he’s not, one of us isn’t where God needs us to be and at times I have a feeling that it’s me. I know that if I had just any guy telling me any of those things that in the end I would be even more shattered than I feel at the moment. I am frustrated because where I am in this very moment and time everything God has told me doesn’t seem to hold the weight that it probably should. Maybe I just have gotten to a point where I don’t see me the way He sees me. I pray that I will again. There are just so many things going on in my head right now that I just need all of the negative junk out and only to have God’s truth in there. I need more of Him and I know that. I just want to be renewed and stop tormenting myself by getting all hyper analytical based on the thoughts that are being spoken by society and by my enemy. ~ Steph
About Me
- Steph
- I'm learning how to be unapologetically Steph. I'm a work in progress, but since God loves me,I'm learning to love me. Most blogs are long, I think in long forms, rather analytical. I love Jesus!
Monday, June 30, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
Connecting
I love it when you can connect through a song. When the song can speak for you. I'm listening to the songs that I downloaded this past week and it's like they were written for the very moments that I'm going through right now. I'm very tired right now. I work 30-32 hours this weekend from Friday night to Sunday at noon 30. It was alot of work but it gave me a quite a bit of money to stash back. Enough so much that if I can do this for 3-4 more weeks I can pay off 2 more credit cards by July instead of Octoberish. I'm so jacked up right now with the way my debt reduction is coming along. My mindset has even been changed. It used to be that if I had a bit extra money I immediately wondered what I could spend it on. Now I want to save it...and I get excited by that! It amazes me what God can do to a person. I definitely am learning that His grace is enough. Moments like right now I feel like He is holding me so close because He knows where I'm at and how much of a struggle it is to keep everything together. I want to so badly. But I know I can't do it on my own. He's the one that keeps me going. The message Perry preached about Nehamiah and the wall is something that comes to my mind often. When I am so exhausted I don't think I can move another inch, I just remember that I am doing a great work and I can't come down. I can't give up. That God will strengthen my hands. All I do is ask, and He does. It's amazing. I'm learning about my Father in a way I wouldn't be able to experience if it wasn't for what I'm doing right now. Anyway. Enough for now. ~ Steph
Friday, June 13, 2008
ESV
I love buying books. Not always the best at reading them right away. I have accumlated quite a collection. I would love to build a library of different subjects and authors. I started with about 5 when I moved 2 years ago and am now around 60. I have 5 different translations of the Bible. I am now adding another one. I have the NLT study bible. The ESV study bible is set to release in October. I just pre-ordered by copy here. When you pre-order the ESV study bible you received a 35% discount AND 5% of the cost will go the the Act 29 network. This is the network that Mark Driscoll was involved in setting up to help take Christ to the world. Mark has commented several times on the ESV translations and I know that there are many churches that use it as their standard translation for teaching. I'm excited about this new addition to my collection!
~Steph
~Steph
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Happy Father's Day
Happy Father's Day dad! I know I'm few days early, but hey ya know. I doubt you'll ever read this but I just wanted to say I love you. I know you have been upset ever since I moved, for that fact, but you really did raise me so well that I can do well on my own. I know you want to be there to take care of me, but daddy, please trust in my Heavenly Father to protect and guide me. Before I was yours, I was His. I will always cherish the time we had out in the shop or in the field. The times when we would sit and talk for hours and hours about anything under the sun. I won't forget the fishing trips and camping excursions. I really did have a great childhood so that you for that. Even though I may not call as often as I probably should, I think about you a lot. I love you daddy and that will never change!Sis
Affliction
Originally posted June 9, 2008
I was officially diagnosed with bi-polar disorder on June 3rd. It was the most liberating day of my life. I have known for the past 4 years that I am, as I had a neurologist tell me. But being prideful, ashamed, stubborn, etc., etc., I knowingly lied to the psychologist so he couldn't diagnose me then and get me help. Now if you know some bipolar people, they tend to swing from manic to depressed and it can happen rapidly. Think Britney Spears. Anyone who knows me knows that I may swing, but not as extreme, yet at least. Only by the grace of God have I not been as extreme as some of my fellow bi-polar peeps. However, this is not a condition that gets better over time nor is it curable. It only gets worse. The best way to deal with it for most, including me, is by medication to help stabilize us. So far the medication has been working like a charm. One of the side effects, which for most is not desirable, is sedation. At the low dosage I am on, it is a helpful side effect as I have issue with sleeping. The best part is that it doesn't make me fall asleep but it keeps me there when I am. It hasn't disrupted working my second job. I was able to go all night and not be in a state of wanting to sleep which is a blessing.
Most people would say that being diagnosed with this isn't a good thing. I tend to agree to a point. It means that I will be one medicine the rest of my life, which I'm not particularly fond of doing. It also means that over time my medicine may have to change which can be really frustrating. There is also a stigma out there about mental illness. There are people who will use it against and cause you pain with their words and actions. But the reason why I'm not going to let it get to me and look at all the bad is because I serve a God who is bigger than my mental problems. From now on I don't have to try to hide it or deny it or try to control it on my own like I have been for the past 4 years. It is almost as liberating as the day that I finally realized how sucky of a person I was and that I didn't really get the gospel or know Jesus. Until that point I was trying to get to heaven by my own good works, much like the man in Matthew 19:26-30. His issue, and mine, was that he was missing something important. That something was Jesus. This morning I got an incredible different view of this text and something just struck me and stood out with me in a way I never experienced with this text before.
God has been dealing with my overall health in a way I didn't expect. In January 2007, I woke up one morning and I wasn't in pain. It followed 2 more days and God told me that He healed me when I questioned the lack of pain that had been there for the past few years. I responded with lets get me healthy. I was only thinking about the physical health part. God, being His awesome self, was looking at the overall picture. He has been getting me healthy not only physically, which about to get even more intense and serious, but also financially, mentally, and spiritually, as in my walk with Him and my understanding/wisdom of the word. All of these have been slow coming things but I can see the changes now. I have repeatedly asked that He would grow me in these areas and He is, rather painfully at times.
One of the biggest things that I've been seeing Him doing is changing my theology. There are so many things we say and do that aren't biblical and we don't, well at least I, do even realize it. There have been things that I've been taught that aren't biblical ways of thinking and I want to change that. When someone comes to me I want to be able to give them biblical advice that will be laced with the gospel and point them to God. That's how I am starting to understand by what God means when He commands us to love others. I want to love as He calls me to.
So He's been dealing with my communication, or lack there or, and also with stepping up and being bold to say things. I'm not a confrontational kind of person, but there are times when I have to step up and ask hard questions or call someone out on something. I've been good on the grace and mercy part, but I definitely need to be built up on the truth part. I'm getting that now and it's awesome.
I have a long way to go, but I know that God is there the entire time and He loves me. If being bi-polar is one of the burdens I have to carry until Jesus comes back or I go to see Him in heaven then I'm going to embrace 1 Peter 2:21 "For God called you to do good, even if it means suffering, just as Christ suffered for you. He is your example, and you must follow in his steps." I can't forget the ever popular Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Even Paul had an affliction that was with him until he died. I'm not going to let my affliction keep me from using it as a testimony of God's great love and grace. Because of this I have an even greater understanding of what was meant in James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." My faith is lacking something so I know that God will use this to mature it so it will be completed. I know this won't be easy but if God is big enough to save us from ourselves and what we truly deserve, then He is big enough to walk me through this and He will get the glory because of it!
~Steph
I was officially diagnosed with bi-polar disorder on June 3rd. It was the most liberating day of my life. I have known for the past 4 years that I am, as I had a neurologist tell me. But being prideful, ashamed, stubborn, etc., etc., I knowingly lied to the psychologist so he couldn't diagnose me then and get me help. Now if you know some bipolar people, they tend to swing from manic to depressed and it can happen rapidly. Think Britney Spears. Anyone who knows me knows that I may swing, but not as extreme, yet at least. Only by the grace of God have I not been as extreme as some of my fellow bi-polar peeps. However, this is not a condition that gets better over time nor is it curable. It only gets worse. The best way to deal with it for most, including me, is by medication to help stabilize us. So far the medication has been working like a charm. One of the side effects, which for most is not desirable, is sedation. At the low dosage I am on, it is a helpful side effect as I have issue with sleeping. The best part is that it doesn't make me fall asleep but it keeps me there when I am. It hasn't disrupted working my second job. I was able to go all night and not be in a state of wanting to sleep which is a blessing.
Most people would say that being diagnosed with this isn't a good thing. I tend to agree to a point. It means that I will be one medicine the rest of my life, which I'm not particularly fond of doing. It also means that over time my medicine may have to change which can be really frustrating. There is also a stigma out there about mental illness. There are people who will use it against and cause you pain with their words and actions. But the reason why I'm not going to let it get to me and look at all the bad is because I serve a God who is bigger than my mental problems. From now on I don't have to try to hide it or deny it or try to control it on my own like I have been for the past 4 years. It is almost as liberating as the day that I finally realized how sucky of a person I was and that I didn't really get the gospel or know Jesus. Until that point I was trying to get to heaven by my own good works, much like the man in Matthew 19:26-30. His issue, and mine, was that he was missing something important. That something was Jesus. This morning I got an incredible different view of this text and something just struck me and stood out with me in a way I never experienced with this text before.
God has been dealing with my overall health in a way I didn't expect. In January 2007, I woke up one morning and I wasn't in pain. It followed 2 more days and God told me that He healed me when I questioned the lack of pain that had been there for the past few years. I responded with lets get me healthy. I was only thinking about the physical health part. God, being His awesome self, was looking at the overall picture. He has been getting me healthy not only physically, which about to get even more intense and serious, but also financially, mentally, and spiritually, as in my walk with Him and my understanding/wisdom of the word. All of these have been slow coming things but I can see the changes now. I have repeatedly asked that He would grow me in these areas and He is, rather painfully at times.
One of the biggest things that I've been seeing Him doing is changing my theology. There are so many things we say and do that aren't biblical and we don't, well at least I, do even realize it. There have been things that I've been taught that aren't biblical ways of thinking and I want to change that. When someone comes to me I want to be able to give them biblical advice that will be laced with the gospel and point them to God. That's how I am starting to understand by what God means when He commands us to love others. I want to love as He calls me to.
So He's been dealing with my communication, or lack there or, and also with stepping up and being bold to say things. I'm not a confrontational kind of person, but there are times when I have to step up and ask hard questions or call someone out on something. I've been good on the grace and mercy part, but I definitely need to be built up on the truth part. I'm getting that now and it's awesome.
I have a long way to go, but I know that God is there the entire time and He loves me. If being bi-polar is one of the burdens I have to carry until Jesus comes back or I go to see Him in heaven then I'm going to embrace 1 Peter 2:21 "For God called you to do good, even if it means suffering, just as Christ suffered for you. He is your example, and you must follow in his steps." I can't forget the ever popular Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Even Paul had an affliction that was with him until he died. I'm not going to let my affliction keep me from using it as a testimony of God's great love and grace. Because of this I have an even greater understanding of what was meant in James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." My faith is lacking something so I know that God will use this to mature it so it will be completed. I know this won't be easy but if God is big enough to save us from ourselves and what we truly deserve, then He is big enough to walk me through this and He will get the glory because of it!
~Steph
The surreal life.
Originally posted May 26, 2008
There is something incredibly surreal for me when I come home. Even more so when I come to my mom's house. Mom lives in the area that I grew up. It never seems to fail that some things will be different. A new building or house that has been built somewhere. A store closed or a restaurant revamped or opened. Tomorrow I might be bold enough to make the trek to my childhood home. It was sold last year. For some reason there is an utter sadness in me that I don't quite understand. It's like the time that I sold my saxophone for money to pay my bills because I was that desperate. Up to the moment of the transaction I was fine. But as I handed my saxophone over I felt as though I had sold my memories. Even though I have lived 1100 miles away from my childhood home for going on two years now, there is something that is just strange about not being able to go to the house that was my bedroom. To go to my fishing hole in hopes of some bass or blue gale. To roam on the 80 acres that was once ours. To explore the buildings on the farm in search of "treasure".
God has been doing something in me I don't quite understand. It's as though everything from my past is coming up…maybe for me to deal with. Before I really met Jesus I was a shell. I didn't want to feel anything and I was completely delusional to my life. I hid from my past, that or locked it away, and pretended that it never happened. Coming back to my place of birth shouldn't be this hard, yet, it's as though I'm being confronted by my past and I don't know why. My eyes seem to be open wide to why I have some difficulties in my life. Things that were passed on from my parents. Things I don't want to pass onto my kids. I'm completely out of my comfort zone right now and I totally cannot feel God, nor do I feel worthy to be called His.
God has been working on my pride. I am like a two year old. I want to do everything on my own. "I can do it" is my attitude. I love helping other people, yet, I seem to struggle asking others for help. Sometimes I use the cover of not wanting to inconvenience them. Other times it's other excuses. I recently, within the past couple of weeks, was finally broken enough to admit that I am bipolar and I need help. Mental issues run in my family and I wasn't able to escape. I have been in denial for four year now. I am finally at the point where I can't control or manage it anymore. I can't hide it. My swings have gotten too bad. It makes me become this person I don't want to be. Maybe I'm in the downward depressed state at the moment. It usually seems that is when I'm most honest with myself. It is also when things overwhelm me the most. There are times, like right now, that I don't think I deserve to be called God's daughter. I seem to doubt my ability to connect with my Heavenly Father, maybe because I've lost connection with my own earthly father. I just want so badly to get to Heaven one day and for God to look at me and say well done good and faithful servant. People around say things alluding to the sense that I've got things together when I actually feel like I'm falling apart and only being held by a thread. I know that thread is Jesus. It amazes me that He doesn't let go. It's the only reason why I don't let go at times. I really just don't get God's love and mercy and grace. I desire to be all of these things. Yet I feel like I'm never going to get there. I feel like I'm not doing it right. Something isn't clicking. I feel like I am so far away from God right now. I feel lonely. Maybe I just feel too much. I know that God is right with me. David talked about it in Psalm 23. I don't know what God is doing right now in me, and even though it hurts, I don't want Him to give up on me. I just want to know Jesus and the Father and know the whisper of the Holy Spirit.
There are so many things I don't understand about life, faith, God. I want to. James 1:5 says to ask God for wisdom and He will give it to you accordingly. I have asked God over and over again for wisdom. I think part of my problem is that I want things now. I want the place where I will be in 20 more year of walking with Jesus now, without having to go through the other 19 years. Yet I know the other 19 are important and I can't skip them otherwise I wouldn't be where I will be in 20 years. I just want this cluttered fog to lift from me so I can see God clearly. I want to know who the God of the bible really is, not the false idol that I followed for all of those years. I want to know who Jesus really is, not the Jesus I made him to be for my own selfish desires. I want to know it is the Holy Spirit whispering to my soul guiding me through all things, not my voice of doubt and despair. I want that relationship with God before anyone else. I don't even want a husband until I can have that relationship with God. I don't want to forsake God for a man. For the here and now. I want to live out the purpose that God created me for. It's hard, when I barely know what it is, when I barely know my Father, when I have a screwed view of the Man who saved my soul from what it deserved. But do know that one day I will get there, not by my own doing, but, by the grace of God alone.
In these times, when I feel alone, I go back to one of only a few fond childhood memories. The memories of as a little girl singing, "Jesus loves me this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong. They are weak but He is strong. Yes Jesus loves me. Yes Jesus loves me. Yes Jesus loves me, the bible tells me so." It is upon this promise that my faith will rest and rely. I know that this storm shall too pass. Even though I do not feel God, it is not by feeling alone that I am grounded. My faith stands in trusting the Word of God. There are a lot of things I don't know that it says, but there are some important things that I do know. One of those is the Jesus loves and one day He will come back for me and there will no longer be tears of sadness. Until that day, I want to learn more of He who saved me. In Him my hope relies, and how can I rely on someone I barely know, or think I know but really don't. The answer is simple. Call upon His name and find refuge in His word.
~Steph
There is something incredibly surreal for me when I come home. Even more so when I come to my mom's house. Mom lives in the area that I grew up. It never seems to fail that some things will be different. A new building or house that has been built somewhere. A store closed or a restaurant revamped or opened. Tomorrow I might be bold enough to make the trek to my childhood home. It was sold last year. For some reason there is an utter sadness in me that I don't quite understand. It's like the time that I sold my saxophone for money to pay my bills because I was that desperate. Up to the moment of the transaction I was fine. But as I handed my saxophone over I felt as though I had sold my memories. Even though I have lived 1100 miles away from my childhood home for going on two years now, there is something that is just strange about not being able to go to the house that was my bedroom. To go to my fishing hole in hopes of some bass or blue gale. To roam on the 80 acres that was once ours. To explore the buildings on the farm in search of "treasure".
God has been doing something in me I don't quite understand. It's as though everything from my past is coming up…maybe for me to deal with. Before I really met Jesus I was a shell. I didn't want to feel anything and I was completely delusional to my life. I hid from my past, that or locked it away, and pretended that it never happened. Coming back to my place of birth shouldn't be this hard, yet, it's as though I'm being confronted by my past and I don't know why. My eyes seem to be open wide to why I have some difficulties in my life. Things that were passed on from my parents. Things I don't want to pass onto my kids. I'm completely out of my comfort zone right now and I totally cannot feel God, nor do I feel worthy to be called His.
God has been working on my pride. I am like a two year old. I want to do everything on my own. "I can do it" is my attitude. I love helping other people, yet, I seem to struggle asking others for help. Sometimes I use the cover of not wanting to inconvenience them. Other times it's other excuses. I recently, within the past couple of weeks, was finally broken enough to admit that I am bipolar and I need help. Mental issues run in my family and I wasn't able to escape. I have been in denial for four year now. I am finally at the point where I can't control or manage it anymore. I can't hide it. My swings have gotten too bad. It makes me become this person I don't want to be. Maybe I'm in the downward depressed state at the moment. It usually seems that is when I'm most honest with myself. It is also when things overwhelm me the most. There are times, like right now, that I don't think I deserve to be called God's daughter. I seem to doubt my ability to connect with my Heavenly Father, maybe because I've lost connection with my own earthly father. I just want so badly to get to Heaven one day and for God to look at me and say well done good and faithful servant. People around say things alluding to the sense that I've got things together when I actually feel like I'm falling apart and only being held by a thread. I know that thread is Jesus. It amazes me that He doesn't let go. It's the only reason why I don't let go at times. I really just don't get God's love and mercy and grace. I desire to be all of these things. Yet I feel like I'm never going to get there. I feel like I'm not doing it right. Something isn't clicking. I feel like I am so far away from God right now. I feel lonely. Maybe I just feel too much. I know that God is right with me. David talked about it in Psalm 23. I don't know what God is doing right now in me, and even though it hurts, I don't want Him to give up on me. I just want to know Jesus and the Father and know the whisper of the Holy Spirit.
There are so many things I don't understand about life, faith, God. I want to. James 1:5 says to ask God for wisdom and He will give it to you accordingly. I have asked God over and over again for wisdom. I think part of my problem is that I want things now. I want the place where I will be in 20 more year of walking with Jesus now, without having to go through the other 19 years. Yet I know the other 19 are important and I can't skip them otherwise I wouldn't be where I will be in 20 years. I just want this cluttered fog to lift from me so I can see God clearly. I want to know who the God of the bible really is, not the false idol that I followed for all of those years. I want to know who Jesus really is, not the Jesus I made him to be for my own selfish desires. I want to know it is the Holy Spirit whispering to my soul guiding me through all things, not my voice of doubt and despair. I want that relationship with God before anyone else. I don't even want a husband until I can have that relationship with God. I don't want to forsake God for a man. For the here and now. I want to live out the purpose that God created me for. It's hard, when I barely know what it is, when I barely know my Father, when I have a screwed view of the Man who saved my soul from what it deserved. But do know that one day I will get there, not by my own doing, but, by the grace of God alone.
In these times, when I feel alone, I go back to one of only a few fond childhood memories. The memories of as a little girl singing, "Jesus loves me this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong. They are weak but He is strong. Yes Jesus loves me. Yes Jesus loves me. Yes Jesus loves me, the bible tells me so." It is upon this promise that my faith will rest and rely. I know that this storm shall too pass. Even though I do not feel God, it is not by feeling alone that I am grounded. My faith stands in trusting the Word of God. There are a lot of things I don't know that it says, but there are some important things that I do know. One of those is the Jesus loves and one day He will come back for me and there will no longer be tears of sadness. Until that day, I want to learn more of He who saved me. In Him my hope relies, and how can I rely on someone I barely know, or think I know but really don't. The answer is simple. Call upon His name and find refuge in His word.
~Steph
In two words...
Originally posted March 24, 2008
Yesterday at service, Perry brought up how in Revelations 19 Jesus is described in two words, Faithful and True. It made me ponder the question about myself. Being truly honest with myself, I really do wonder how it is that people view me, and I really do care. I desire to be a reflection of Christ and I know that at times I don’t do the best at reflecting Him. I know that perception is in the eye of the beholder and everyone lives in a different reality because of that. I know also that I’m very hard on myself and always trying to grow that at times I don’t look around or pay attention enough to the good that’s going on around me. So here is my challenge for those bold enough to take it. Describe me in TWO words. I know I can’t...as my mind doesn’t work like that. Enlighten me.
~Steph
Yesterday at service, Perry brought up how in Revelations 19 Jesus is described in two words, Faithful and True. It made me ponder the question about myself. Being truly honest with myself, I really do wonder how it is that people view me, and I really do care. I desire to be a reflection of Christ and I know that at times I don’t do the best at reflecting Him. I know that perception is in the eye of the beholder and everyone lives in a different reality because of that. I know also that I’m very hard on myself and always trying to grow that at times I don’t look around or pay attention enough to the good that’s going on around me. So here is my challenge for those bold enough to take it. Describe me in TWO words. I know I can’t...as my mind doesn’t work like that. Enlighten me.
~Steph
Kiss me! Or not?!?!
Originally posted February 29, 2008
While reading an article entitled Don't Kiss Me: In Defense of a Virginal Heart, I see how much I have really changed in the past few years. It's amazing what can happen to your heart and your view of things when God takes over your life and gives you a new one. If I would have read this article prior to September 2005, I would have thought, awww, that's sweet but it can't happen. Now, almost 3 years later, this is what I'm striving to. I think of how awesome it would be if I can save that first kiss since receiving Christ for my husband on our wedding day. This article encouraged me greatly and gave some good biblical advice when it comes to this issue. I love the quote, "Why preheat the oven if you can't cook the roast." When I first received Christ, I was invited to a wedding of a couple that I didn't really know and this was their story. They were friends for a long time and then had a 6 week courtship and were soon married. They shared their first kiss as their wedding kiss. I've definitely come a long way since the way I use to think. Praise God for that!!! ~Steph
While reading an article entitled Don't Kiss Me: In Defense of a Virginal Heart, I see how much I have really changed in the past few years. It's amazing what can happen to your heart and your view of things when God takes over your life and gives you a new one. If I would have read this article prior to September 2005, I would have thought, awww, that's sweet but it can't happen. Now, almost 3 years later, this is what I'm striving to. I think of how awesome it would be if I can save that first kiss since receiving Christ for my husband on our wedding day. This article encouraged me greatly and gave some good biblical advice when it comes to this issue. I love the quote, "Why preheat the oven if you can't cook the roast." When I first received Christ, I was invited to a wedding of a couple that I didn't really know and this was their story. They were friends for a long time and then had a 6 week courtship and were soon married. They shared their first kiss as their wedding kiss. I've definitely come a long way since the way I use to think. Praise God for that!!! ~Steph
Thoughts
Originally posted February 18, 2008.
Here's something to let marinate for a bit from a Lifechurch.tv message I just listened to."
We do not fight for victory. We fight from victory. Jesus has already won the battle."
How will this thought make us approach life differently if we really grasped this concept?
Here's something to let marinate for a bit from a Lifechurch.tv message I just listened to."
We do not fight for victory. We fight from victory. Jesus has already won the battle."
How will this thought make us approach life differently if we really grasped this concept?
V-Day update
Originally posted February 14, 2008
Since it's been a while there are some things, randomly hopefully, that I'll lay out here about what I'm thinking about and going through.
**** First off, as part of my budgeting from my tax return, I finally broke down to get an Ipod and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it. Seriously. It's awesome, but with every awesome thing if you don't stay balanced it will keep you up until 4:30 in the a.m. with endless opportunities. The one awesome part is that I'm just a click away from learning more about God through the literally gagillion podcasts that I have downloaded. A click or two from music is awesome as well!
****Podcast roll call – Here's what I'm subscribed to:
1. NewSpring Church (Perry Noble)- This is my church and I love it!!!!
2. Cornerstone Church of Ames – This was my church back in Iowa. I miss them dearly, but it's awesome that I can listen to Jeff, Troy, and Paul preach again. There style is different, straight from the bible verse by verse is how they've got it rollin' there, but it's always relevant and they have modern worship music. I got my start in sound there and I received Christ there so they will always have a special place in my heart. Jeff baptized me so he's obviously one of my favorites.
3. Joyce Meyer – God has used her to rock my world in MANY ways.
4. LifeChurch.TV – Heard a bit about them and thought I'd check them out.
5. Mars Hill Church (Mark Driscoll) – aside from NewSpring and Cornerstone, Mark Driscoll is one of my favorite pastors to listen to. I got tuned into his messages because of the Redeeming Ruth series which rocked my world. If I'd ever end up in Seattle I know which church I would go to!
6. Messenger International (John & Lisa Bevere) – I have some books from them, well Lisa at least, and there podcast seemed interesting.
7. North Point (Andy Stanley) – Checking them out, I'll have to get back to you.
8. Mosaic (Erwin McManus) – Same with checking them out.
****I have for the first time in my life not loathed the though of getting up and getting into the world on Valentine's Day. I finally realized why I hated the whole day in years past. It's suppose to (aside from being downplayed by commercialism) be boiling down the fact of someone pursuing your heart. I've never had a Valentine that I remember, ever. So internally I hated the fact that I wasn't getting pursued on V-Day. Well, this year is different. Someone is pursuing my heart and I can say that He rocks my socks. It is so awesome to know that I'm loved. Who might this mystery person be that has changed my heart/mind about this day you may ask? Jesus!!! I know it sounds corny, but I don't care. He is my Valentine and that jacks me up, if you don't like that, too bad soo sad!!!!
****I was listening to many messages yesterday from the lady's at Mars Hill (woo hoo for podcast!!!!). One of them was on romanticism. It brought up some very interesting facts of how we desiring something, yet our God given desire is not pointed in the godly way, but rather through the stuff that is fed to us through movies. Try to match up what the movies are saying to us about what romance is about and then check it out in the Bible. The difference blew me away. It's left me with some things to think about.
****Another message I was listening to from the Mars Hill ladies talked about modesty. 1 Peter 3:3-5 is one of the infamous verses that are used when it comes to how we "should be" as women that is often misquoted and taken out of context. The speaker approached it as it is written and it opened my eyes up to some interesting things. The verses state: "3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 5For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful." Most people stop after verse 3, as I have in the past. Now I'm not saying that we shouldn't dress with modesty out of love for our brothers. We are called out of love not to do things to make them stumble in areas where most of them are weak with lust etc and this includes the way we dress. But what was really expressed in this message is the importance that we need to find our worth and value through Christ and stop obsessing about how we look. What's important is now how we appear when we first start to talk with someone, but rather what we leave them with. When someone first starts to talk with me, depending on the day and the person I could get a variety of responses initially. I'm not the world deemed quintessential physically beautiful person, I've got some baggage, (that I'm dropping by the way woo hoo for getting healthy and not living behind fear anymore which is another post in and of itself), I have visible tattoos, after work my make up isn't as "perfect" as it was when I left the house. I'm not even going to talk about my hairstyle, or lack there of is more like it. But from the response that I get from leaving people most the time, they don't see me from my appearance once they are done talking to me. They are able to see something so much more beautiful. Even if I don't speak the name of Christ they are able to see Him in me whether they know that it's Him they are seeing or not. That's the way I always want it to be. We are called to be living epistles for all men to read. So that means that I not only say I'm a Christian, but I live like I am one as well. What an amazing day it will be when women are able to be more concerned with what on the inside, there heart and it's appearance and condition, that with the outside, which most people don't pay as much attention to as we psych ourselves into believing they do. I doubt most people even notice when I fix my hair and I have one side that is just not working for me. So that's why I don't obsess about such things. That's not to say also, that I don't try to be presentable, but ya know.
****I'm finally in a good place with some issues of the heart. God just walked me through a huge journey, or it seemed so at the time. I look back now and see just how much I have changed. It blows me away. This is something that most people don't know but before I really understood who Jesus was and what He was all about and the religion was stripped away from it all, today 3 years ago was a huge day in my life. It is one day that stands out of God saving me, in a literal sense. 3 years ago today was when my whole life bottomed out and everything around me was being stripped away and taken rather forcefully. My dad just so happened to send me flowers (I love the just so happens, because in all actuality that is God working in all of this glorious sovereignty in super stealth mode) which by the end of the day is what kept me alive. I almost ended it all today 3 years ago and looking back at how my life has unfolded and changed, it is nothing short of a miracle from God. I'm not the same person I was then, a year ago, or even yesterday. I keep moving forward and for that I am blessed, humbled and gracious. The most amazing thing is even though my life was crumbling around my feet and I was no where close to God, I seemed to know that God was allowing this all to happen, to let me be stripped of everything so He could build me back up into the person He created me to be. Guess that comforting thought back then is my reality now.
**** I had an interesting thought pop in my mind the other day. I've been learning A LOT about myself here lately and it dawned on me that the more I learn about myself the more I learn about God. I am created in His image, so everything good in me is an image of God, well a fraction of His whole image, but that amazed me. As I've been reading some books, Captivating & Wild at Heart, I've been learning a lot about God and His character. I'm blown away how as much as I learn about Him and understand Him more it's not even close to all of Him. I love the mystery of God. And His beauty. It's so captivating and He's captivated my heart!!
****That's all I've got for now. Yes this was rather long, but that alright!!!
Since it's been a while there are some things, randomly hopefully, that I'll lay out here about what I'm thinking about and going through.
**** First off, as part of my budgeting from my tax return, I finally broke down to get an Ipod and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it. Seriously. It's awesome, but with every awesome thing if you don't stay balanced it will keep you up until 4:30 in the a.m. with endless opportunities. The one awesome part is that I'm just a click away from learning more about God through the literally gagillion podcasts that I have downloaded. A click or two from music is awesome as well!
****Podcast roll call – Here's what I'm subscribed to:
1. NewSpring Church (Perry Noble)- This is my church and I love it!!!!
2. Cornerstone Church of Ames – This was my church back in Iowa. I miss them dearly, but it's awesome that I can listen to Jeff, Troy, and Paul preach again. There style is different, straight from the bible verse by verse is how they've got it rollin' there, but it's always relevant and they have modern worship music. I got my start in sound there and I received Christ there so they will always have a special place in my heart. Jeff baptized me so he's obviously one of my favorites.
3. Joyce Meyer – God has used her to rock my world in MANY ways.
4. LifeChurch.TV – Heard a bit about them and thought I'd check them out.
5. Mars Hill Church (Mark Driscoll) – aside from NewSpring and Cornerstone, Mark Driscoll is one of my favorite pastors to listen to. I got tuned into his messages because of the Redeeming Ruth series which rocked my world. If I'd ever end up in Seattle I know which church I would go to!
6. Messenger International (John & Lisa Bevere) – I have some books from them, well Lisa at least, and there podcast seemed interesting.
7. North Point (Andy Stanley) – Checking them out, I'll have to get back to you.
8. Mosaic (Erwin McManus) – Same with checking them out.
****I have for the first time in my life not loathed the though of getting up and getting into the world on Valentine's Day. I finally realized why I hated the whole day in years past. It's suppose to (aside from being downplayed by commercialism) be boiling down the fact of someone pursuing your heart. I've never had a Valentine that I remember, ever. So internally I hated the fact that I wasn't getting pursued on V-Day. Well, this year is different. Someone is pursuing my heart and I can say that He rocks my socks. It is so awesome to know that I'm loved. Who might this mystery person be that has changed my heart/mind about this day you may ask? Jesus!!! I know it sounds corny, but I don't care. He is my Valentine and that jacks me up, if you don't like that, too bad soo sad!!!!
****I was listening to many messages yesterday from the lady's at Mars Hill (woo hoo for podcast!!!!). One of them was on romanticism. It brought up some very interesting facts of how we desiring something, yet our God given desire is not pointed in the godly way, but rather through the stuff that is fed to us through movies. Try to match up what the movies are saying to us about what romance is about and then check it out in the Bible. The difference blew me away. It's left me with some things to think about.
****Another message I was listening to from the Mars Hill ladies talked about modesty. 1 Peter 3:3-5 is one of the infamous verses that are used when it comes to how we "should be" as women that is often misquoted and taken out of context. The speaker approached it as it is written and it opened my eyes up to some interesting things. The verses state: "3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 5For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful." Most people stop after verse 3, as I have in the past. Now I'm not saying that we shouldn't dress with modesty out of love for our brothers. We are called out of love not to do things to make them stumble in areas where most of them are weak with lust etc and this includes the way we dress. But what was really expressed in this message is the importance that we need to find our worth and value through Christ and stop obsessing about how we look. What's important is now how we appear when we first start to talk with someone, but rather what we leave them with. When someone first starts to talk with me, depending on the day and the person I could get a variety of responses initially. I'm not the world deemed quintessential physically beautiful person, I've got some baggage, (that I'm dropping by the way woo hoo for getting healthy and not living behind fear anymore which is another post in and of itself), I have visible tattoos, after work my make up isn't as "perfect" as it was when I left the house. I'm not even going to talk about my hairstyle, or lack there of is more like it. But from the response that I get from leaving people most the time, they don't see me from my appearance once they are done talking to me. They are able to see something so much more beautiful. Even if I don't speak the name of Christ they are able to see Him in me whether they know that it's Him they are seeing or not. That's the way I always want it to be. We are called to be living epistles for all men to read. So that means that I not only say I'm a Christian, but I live like I am one as well. What an amazing day it will be when women are able to be more concerned with what on the inside, there heart and it's appearance and condition, that with the outside, which most people don't pay as much attention to as we psych ourselves into believing they do. I doubt most people even notice when I fix my hair and I have one side that is just not working for me. So that's why I don't obsess about such things. That's not to say also, that I don't try to be presentable, but ya know.
****I'm finally in a good place with some issues of the heart. God just walked me through a huge journey, or it seemed so at the time. I look back now and see just how much I have changed. It blows me away. This is something that most people don't know but before I really understood who Jesus was and what He was all about and the religion was stripped away from it all, today 3 years ago was a huge day in my life. It is one day that stands out of God saving me, in a literal sense. 3 years ago today was when my whole life bottomed out and everything around me was being stripped away and taken rather forcefully. My dad just so happened to send me flowers (I love the just so happens, because in all actuality that is God working in all of this glorious sovereignty in super stealth mode) which by the end of the day is what kept me alive. I almost ended it all today 3 years ago and looking back at how my life has unfolded and changed, it is nothing short of a miracle from God. I'm not the same person I was then, a year ago, or even yesterday. I keep moving forward and for that I am blessed, humbled and gracious. The most amazing thing is even though my life was crumbling around my feet and I was no where close to God, I seemed to know that God was allowing this all to happen, to let me be stripped of everything so He could build me back up into the person He created me to be. Guess that comforting thought back then is my reality now.
**** I had an interesting thought pop in my mind the other day. I've been learning A LOT about myself here lately and it dawned on me that the more I learn about myself the more I learn about God. I am created in His image, so everything good in me is an image of God, well a fraction of His whole image, but that amazed me. As I've been reading some books, Captivating & Wild at Heart, I've been learning a lot about God and His character. I'm blown away how as much as I learn about Him and understand Him more it's not even close to all of Him. I love the mystery of God. And His beauty. It's so captivating and He's captivated my heart!!
****That's all I've got for now. Yes this was rather long, but that alright!!!
Faith is...
Originally posted February 6, 2008
Faith is trusting in God when life gives you every reason not to.
This statement rings so true with me now more than ever. There are many different subjects that God speaks to us on. Promises given in His word, ways He views us and our worth, etc to name a few. The world tries to speak louder than God and challenge everything He says. There are times when all you are able to see or hear is a complete contradiction to what God has to say and then you have to remember that we are called to live by faith and not by sight. It is in these moments that you really learn how to trust God and how to walk looking up at Him and not down at the ground (i.e. the world) for verification of who you are and where you are going.
Faith is trusting in God when life gives you every reason not to.
This statement rings so true with me now more than ever. There are many different subjects that God speaks to us on. Promises given in His word, ways He views us and our worth, etc to name a few. The world tries to speak louder than God and challenge everything He says. There are times when all you are able to see or hear is a complete contradiction to what God has to say and then you have to remember that we are called to live by faith and not by sight. It is in these moments that you really learn how to trust God and how to walk looking up at Him and not down at the ground (i.e. the world) for verification of who you are and where you are going.
Turning Point
Originally posted January 28, 2008
This is a poem I wrote about being real, or for some of us like me, learning how to be real with not only other people but more importantly yourself for the first time. ~ Steph
I was walking through meadows
in colors of the rainbow
hiding the shades of gray
No problem was too big nor too small
Life was as though a straight line
never curving or waxing or waning
Until I was stopped in my tracks
Confronted with a choice in the road
To continue to the left was to resume
my normal way of life
To go to the right lead to a path of unknown
Colors of the rainbow weren't allowed to
hide the shades of gray
There were mountains and valleys
High times and low times
Truth vs untruth brought out into the Light clearing out all the darkness
Revealing the gray and the colors
To go down this path meant no more lies
Being honest and real with the heart
Walking through familiar places but with a different approach
Not knowing how to react Or where to go at times
Walking by faith and not by sight
It was a choice to go down this path
Neither straight nor broadat times not paved
creating my own tracks where others
weren't willing to goI will mosey down this path
though feeling alone at times
crawling through the grays skipping through the colors
keeping my senses on the
guiding One before me.
This is a poem I wrote about being real, or for some of us like me, learning how to be real with not only other people but more importantly yourself for the first time. ~ Steph
I was walking through meadows
in colors of the rainbow
hiding the shades of gray
No problem was too big nor too small
Life was as though a straight line
never curving or waxing or waning
Until I was stopped in my tracks
Confronted with a choice in the road
To continue to the left was to resume
my normal way of life
To go to the right lead to a path of unknown
Colors of the rainbow weren't allowed to
hide the shades of gray
There were mountains and valleys
High times and low times
Truth vs untruth brought out into the Light clearing out all the darkness
Revealing the gray and the colors
To go down this path meant no more lies
Being honest and real with the heart
Walking through familiar places but with a different approach
Not knowing how to react Or where to go at times
Walking by faith and not by sight
It was a choice to go down this path
Neither straight nor broadat times not paved
creating my own tracks where others
weren't willing to goI will mosey down this path
though feeling alone at times
crawling through the grays skipping through the colors
keeping my senses on the
guiding One before me.
Wowza
Originally posted January 10, 2008
I can't believe it. I'm not much of a chocolate cake person, but let me tell ya. Some dude that I don't know here in the plant turned some old age and got a ginormous cake in honor of that event. Happy B-day to him. While on my way to the front office one of the floor girls told me about said cake. She told me that it was chocolate but it was fabulous. Sooooooo.....I had to make my way through the office and drop into the canteen for a piece of said cake. I arrived back to my office (I'm going for the blow by blow action here) to investigate the taste-worthiness of the claimed "fabulous" cake. Well...my boss will be the first to tell you that it must have been pretty tasty because there were comments thrown out about getting a room with said cake, stop making so many noises eating said cake (it was THAT flipping good that hmmmm...couldn't help but be uttered as I was eating). There were moments before I could finish the little chocolate trist that my eyes were starting to roll back in my head. It took a bit to finish it. Part of this could be due to the fact that I've been trying not to eat at much sugar so it's very easy for me to go into a sugar coma. Well I'm headed there right now. WEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Must focus back on work.
I can't believe it. I'm not much of a chocolate cake person, but let me tell ya. Some dude that I don't know here in the plant turned some old age and got a ginormous cake in honor of that event. Happy B-day to him. While on my way to the front office one of the floor girls told me about said cake. She told me that it was chocolate but it was fabulous. Sooooooo.....I had to make my way through the office and drop into the canteen for a piece of said cake. I arrived back to my office (I'm going for the blow by blow action here) to investigate the taste-worthiness of the claimed "fabulous" cake. Well...my boss will be the first to tell you that it must have been pretty tasty because there were comments thrown out about getting a room with said cake, stop making so many noises eating said cake (it was THAT flipping good that hmmmm...couldn't help but be uttered as I was eating). There were moments before I could finish the little chocolate trist that my eyes were starting to roll back in my head. It took a bit to finish it. Part of this could be due to the fact that I've been trying not to eat at much sugar so it's very easy for me to go into a sugar coma. Well I'm headed there right now. WEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Must focus back on work.
Captivating - Depths of beauty
Originally posted January 8, 2008
We as women long for beauty to unveil. It is part of our design. It's not just a physical beauty either. It's also a soulish beauty that reveals the beauty of God. I've started to reread the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge. The quotes that I have in this blog come from the book. "Beauty is, without a question, the mostessential and the most misunderstood of all of God's qualities - of all feminine qualities too."
I have been struggling with the issue of beauty. I realize that is what it all boils down to from the struggles I was going through during my last blog. By discovering the beauty at my own core, I am essentially discovering more about God as I was created in His image to represent beauty for the world to see.What is beauty? What does it do?
- Beauty speaks: It is the beauty of the world that tells, no screams out to us that God does exist. Beauty says "All shall be well".
- Beauty invites: This goes beyond just a physical beauty of a woman, but that also of something like nature, music, art, etc. Imagine the sound of a song that just captivates your attention. It leaves you breathless and pondering and wanting more. To drink it up in all of it magnificence.
- Beauty nourishes: It is the kind of food our soul craves. Also think of a mother nursing an infant. There is beauty in the creation of women and how we nourish others.
- Beauty comforts: This is why we send flowers during times of grief or sickness. Sometimes the gift of beauty speaks louder and comforts more than words can at that moment.
- Beauty inspires: Beauty can call us to something higher. To strive to be a better person. Think of the beauty of Mother Teresa. It inspired others to greatness.
- Beauty is transdesant: "Its our most immediate experience of eternity." "Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end. " (Eccl. 3:11) It leaves us longing for more, for something we haven't seen, yet know is there.
I find it interesting how this all got started. I was half asleep when Eccl 3 came to mind. The Holy Spirit likes to throw scripture up at me to look at because I ask where to look a lot. So I got up, still half asleep and started to read Eccl 3. When I came on verse 11 I had to pause because I knew this was the main focus that God was try to show me with. Aside from the everything has a time and such, but this verse hit me hard. Then I started to read a portion of the book again, and it was talking about beauty. God started to show me that through discovering myself, I was discovering more about the character of God. By repressing, my natural desires (the God given ones, not the sinful ones), I was repressing the glory of God. I am discovering that I am the image of God in an awesome way. We are both passionate, loving, and fiercely devoted. God is just a magnified version of everything great in me. I love this passage from the book.
One of the deepest ways a woman bears the image of God is in her mystery. By "mystery", we don't mean, "forever beyond your knowing", but, "something to be explored". "It is the glory of God to conceal a matter," says the books of Proverbs, "to search it out is the glory of Kings." (25:2) God yearns to be known. But he wants to be sought after by those who would know Him. "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jer. 29:13) There is dignity here; God doe not throw Himself at any passerby.
This the way i must continue to strive to live. By placing my confidence in God that there is a beauty He wants to unveil through me, it will naturally start to pour out. There is something captivating bout a women who is in love. Her soul seems to be on fire with an immense beauty that radiates so brightly. I want that soulish beauty to be based and focused on God, not a guy. At the same time I have to acknowledge that I do desire to have a relationship with a man. I am definitely relational at my core, as is God. We both just want to be loved and to give love to others. Also, I was created to be as God called Eve, an "ezer kenegdo", or as one translation states "sustainer beside him." Just as we need God to help us through life, we as women long to journey through life next someone else to help and share this adventure called life.
Final thought from the book: "There is a radiance hidden in your heat that the world desperately needs."
I don't want to put a blanket over the radiance out of fear or lies that the world (and satan) tell us, tells me all the time. I know that satan doesn't want this light of beauty to shine because it will show the world the glory of God and God will use that glory to captivate His lost children and draw them to Himself.
~Steph
We as women long for beauty to unveil. It is part of our design. It's not just a physical beauty either. It's also a soulish beauty that reveals the beauty of God. I've started to reread the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge. The quotes that I have in this blog come from the book. "Beauty is, without a question, the mostessential and the most misunderstood of all of God's qualities - of all feminine qualities too."
I have been struggling with the issue of beauty. I realize that is what it all boils down to from the struggles I was going through during my last blog. By discovering the beauty at my own core, I am essentially discovering more about God as I was created in His image to represent beauty for the world to see.What is beauty? What does it do?
- Beauty speaks: It is the beauty of the world that tells, no screams out to us that God does exist. Beauty says "All shall be well".
- Beauty invites: This goes beyond just a physical beauty of a woman, but that also of something like nature, music, art, etc. Imagine the sound of a song that just captivates your attention. It leaves you breathless and pondering and wanting more. To drink it up in all of it magnificence.
- Beauty nourishes: It is the kind of food our soul craves. Also think of a mother nursing an infant. There is beauty in the creation of women and how we nourish others.
- Beauty comforts: This is why we send flowers during times of grief or sickness. Sometimes the gift of beauty speaks louder and comforts more than words can at that moment.
- Beauty inspires: Beauty can call us to something higher. To strive to be a better person. Think of the beauty of Mother Teresa. It inspired others to greatness.
- Beauty is transdesant: "Its our most immediate experience of eternity." "Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end. " (Eccl. 3:11) It leaves us longing for more, for something we haven't seen, yet know is there.
I find it interesting how this all got started. I was half asleep when Eccl 3 came to mind. The Holy Spirit likes to throw scripture up at me to look at because I ask where to look a lot. So I got up, still half asleep and started to read Eccl 3. When I came on verse 11 I had to pause because I knew this was the main focus that God was try to show me with. Aside from the everything has a time and such, but this verse hit me hard. Then I started to read a portion of the book again, and it was talking about beauty. God started to show me that through discovering myself, I was discovering more about the character of God. By repressing, my natural desires (the God given ones, not the sinful ones), I was repressing the glory of God. I am discovering that I am the image of God in an awesome way. We are both passionate, loving, and fiercely devoted. God is just a magnified version of everything great in me. I love this passage from the book.
One of the deepest ways a woman bears the image of God is in her mystery. By "mystery", we don't mean, "forever beyond your knowing", but, "something to be explored". "It is the glory of God to conceal a matter," says the books of Proverbs, "to search it out is the glory of Kings." (25:2) God yearns to be known. But he wants to be sought after by those who would know Him. "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jer. 29:13) There is dignity here; God doe not throw Himself at any passerby.
This the way i must continue to strive to live. By placing my confidence in God that there is a beauty He wants to unveil through me, it will naturally start to pour out. There is something captivating bout a women who is in love. Her soul seems to be on fire with an immense beauty that radiates so brightly. I want that soulish beauty to be based and focused on God, not a guy. At the same time I have to acknowledge that I do desire to have a relationship with a man. I am definitely relational at my core, as is God. We both just want to be loved and to give love to others. Also, I was created to be as God called Eve, an "ezer kenegdo", or as one translation states "sustainer beside him." Just as we need God to help us through life, we as women long to journey through life next someone else to help and share this adventure called life.
Final thought from the book: "There is a radiance hidden in your heat that the world desperately needs."
I don't want to put a blanket over the radiance out of fear or lies that the world (and satan) tell us, tells me all the time. I know that satan doesn't want this light of beauty to shine because it will show the world the glory of God and God will use that glory to captivate His lost children and draw them to Himself.
~Steph
Phew
Originally posted January 7, 2008
---Friday Jan 4, 2008
Well it's officially the first weekend of 2008. I am so excited. So much has happened since I took vacation from work a short 2 weeks ago. Since I didn't go back to Iowa, I didn't get my normal time to reflect. There isn't much to do on an 1100 mile road trip but think and reflect…and sing out loud of course!!!! In previous posts I have mentioned my list of goals. I am in awe trying to think of all the ways God has answered all of those in some form or another. Moments that stand as testaments to God working in my heart and changing me for the better. It doesn't seem like it should be a new year already. 2007 went by so fast for me. So many awesome things happened. The biggest thing that happened was the growth in my relationship with Jesus. The things that He taught and pressed into my heart. Purity in a new found way. I never understood that it was also an emotional and mental thing, not just a physical thing. Moving on from past crushes and strong holds is something else that happened. It's an amazing thing when you get delivered and set free from something that isn't healthy. I think that is something that comes with growth and accepting change with open arms. I met some amazing people this year. New found friends that are becoming like family to me. I knew when I moved out here that I would be taken care of and God would provide people in my life that would be like family because through Jesus we have a HUGE family of brothers and sisters out there. God has also revealed my purpose as I have prayed about. I'm so excited that I'm getting to head down this road. For the most part this year has been a huge up for me. I have been through a lot. But it seems that the last 2-3 months of 2007 were the biggest struggle. God was working a lot in my life. There were moments when I felt so delusional because I thought I had it right, but then I realized it wasn't. I still am so hard on myself. I am very blessed to have people in my life that will be honest with me and tell me the truth even when it is hard to hear. There was a situation that occurred this past fall that still has me in a tailspin with 'what…huh….I think I get it…' then I realize I missed the mark...then I wonder how far I missed it, and how. I'm way to flippin' analytical at times that I get really confused. I wanted so desperately to hear from God that I was easily led astray for parts of it. The awesome thing about God is even when I screw up or I don't do things as I should or I misinterpret things correctly, He can still bring beauty out of the situation. I've learned through this whole thing how important it is to be honest with myself. To deal with hurt and disappointment when it happens instead of bottling it up and maybe addressing it 5 years down the road. God fixed SOOOO many things in my heart and delivered me from a nasty past. Things that were holding me back. Things that I was trying to make others pay for. Things that others couldn't pay for. I have realized things about myself that I never saw before. These things hurt me a lot and now that I know about them it requires willingness to change. Willingness to let my flesh, my will, die to what God's will is for my life. There is something that right now I want very deeply, yet I know that if it was meant to be mine, it would be or when the time is right it will happen if it's meant to be so. It's so hard backing off of this situation right now and I know why I need to. I know that even though everything around me in the world might say otherwise, but because I've got to believe God on this, I can't pursue a guy. I'm worth being pursued. Someone said girls pursue boys, women wait to be pursued by men. It's so hard sitting back waiting for someone to see something there. There are moments when I feel like I'm going to break because I've never been pursued and the thoughts of me not being good enough or worth someone loving come back. It's hard to fight them off when everything around you seems to agree with those thoughts. I find myself asking God if there really is someone out there who will see me even a fraction of the way that He does. Will there be a sweeter love song for me? It's only because of the strength that I get from Him am I am to persevere and wait….it's an endless wait at times… and it can get very lonely… For the first time in my life my heart is finally ready for a relationship…now I've just got to wait for the right time. I wonder what was meant by some of the things said that night. I try not to let those thought consume my mind. I'm learning to let go. I don't have it down to a science. But I think that it comes through faith and patience and seeking. I don't know…
--- Monday Jan 7, 2008
Man what a rough weekend!!! You saw where Friday's post ended up at and that was the tip of what I started to go through all weekend. I felt sooo crushed by Sunday night. I could barely stand to stand. It amazes me that when something really great happens (getting a second job), that's when I go through a tough time with something else. I think I'm finally starting to come out of the funk. I'm sure ready to. I hate it when I become hermit crab like and withdraw into my shell for what results in a pity party, party of 1. Anyone who reads this that was around me on Sunday, yes I wasn't myself, yes I'm getting better, no it had nothing to do with you. It's hard for me go through something really deep like I did this weekend and still be social. I usually hide away until it's all done but I'm trying to get over that. I think that this morning I'm starting to realize that's what it is and it's because my confidence isn't rooted as deeply as it should be. Through my massive resources, God has been able to speak to my heart a bit and let me know some things. At the end of the day He loves me and calls me His and it doesn't really matter whether the rest of the world sees me in any sort of fraction like He does, especially the male part of the world. I've just gotta be myself and stop trying to repress that. It's always when I start repressing who I am at my core, by thinking I'm too much, too passionate, too delusional, I'm not good enough, or maybe that fellow from my past was right, maybe it's because I'm not pretty enough to date, that the attacks start flying and then I'm just getting bombarded and joy starts to leave…very quickly! It leaves me with my head hanging in shame as I let out a long sigh. Man oh man is it hard being a girl at times. Most of the time it is sooo hard to keep my head and my heart on the same wave length. I know how to work some of this out but it's just going to take commitment on my part to keep my eyes focused where they need to be focused. Anyhoos. Lunch break is getting ready to end and I've gotta get back to the MOTHER LOAD!!!! It's awesome taking 2 weeks off a job that always leaves you behind. Job security…gotta love it. Sorry if this makes no sense to anyone else, but getting it off my chest helps me work things out so ya…
---Friday Jan 4, 2008
Well it's officially the first weekend of 2008. I am so excited. So much has happened since I took vacation from work a short 2 weeks ago. Since I didn't go back to Iowa, I didn't get my normal time to reflect. There isn't much to do on an 1100 mile road trip but think and reflect…and sing out loud of course!!!! In previous posts I have mentioned my list of goals. I am in awe trying to think of all the ways God has answered all of those in some form or another. Moments that stand as testaments to God working in my heart and changing me for the better. It doesn't seem like it should be a new year already. 2007 went by so fast for me. So many awesome things happened. The biggest thing that happened was the growth in my relationship with Jesus. The things that He taught and pressed into my heart. Purity in a new found way. I never understood that it was also an emotional and mental thing, not just a physical thing. Moving on from past crushes and strong holds is something else that happened. It's an amazing thing when you get delivered and set free from something that isn't healthy. I think that is something that comes with growth and accepting change with open arms. I met some amazing people this year. New found friends that are becoming like family to me. I knew when I moved out here that I would be taken care of and God would provide people in my life that would be like family because through Jesus we have a HUGE family of brothers and sisters out there. God has also revealed my purpose as I have prayed about. I'm so excited that I'm getting to head down this road. For the most part this year has been a huge up for me. I have been through a lot. But it seems that the last 2-3 months of 2007 were the biggest struggle. God was working a lot in my life. There were moments when I felt so delusional because I thought I had it right, but then I realized it wasn't. I still am so hard on myself. I am very blessed to have people in my life that will be honest with me and tell me the truth even when it is hard to hear. There was a situation that occurred this past fall that still has me in a tailspin with 'what…huh….I think I get it…' then I realize I missed the mark...then I wonder how far I missed it, and how. I'm way to flippin' analytical at times that I get really confused. I wanted so desperately to hear from God that I was easily led astray for parts of it. The awesome thing about God is even when I screw up or I don't do things as I should or I misinterpret things correctly, He can still bring beauty out of the situation. I've learned through this whole thing how important it is to be honest with myself. To deal with hurt and disappointment when it happens instead of bottling it up and maybe addressing it 5 years down the road. God fixed SOOOO many things in my heart and delivered me from a nasty past. Things that were holding me back. Things that I was trying to make others pay for. Things that others couldn't pay for. I have realized things about myself that I never saw before. These things hurt me a lot and now that I know about them it requires willingness to change. Willingness to let my flesh, my will, die to what God's will is for my life. There is something that right now I want very deeply, yet I know that if it was meant to be mine, it would be or when the time is right it will happen if it's meant to be so. It's so hard backing off of this situation right now and I know why I need to. I know that even though everything around me in the world might say otherwise, but because I've got to believe God on this, I can't pursue a guy. I'm worth being pursued. Someone said girls pursue boys, women wait to be pursued by men. It's so hard sitting back waiting for someone to see something there. There are moments when I feel like I'm going to break because I've never been pursued and the thoughts of me not being good enough or worth someone loving come back. It's hard to fight them off when everything around you seems to agree with those thoughts. I find myself asking God if there really is someone out there who will see me even a fraction of the way that He does. Will there be a sweeter love song for me? It's only because of the strength that I get from Him am I am to persevere and wait….it's an endless wait at times… and it can get very lonely… For the first time in my life my heart is finally ready for a relationship…now I've just got to wait for the right time. I wonder what was meant by some of the things said that night. I try not to let those thought consume my mind. I'm learning to let go. I don't have it down to a science. But I think that it comes through faith and patience and seeking. I don't know…
--- Monday Jan 7, 2008
Man what a rough weekend!!! You saw where Friday's post ended up at and that was the tip of what I started to go through all weekend. I felt sooo crushed by Sunday night. I could barely stand to stand. It amazes me that when something really great happens (getting a second job), that's when I go through a tough time with something else. I think I'm finally starting to come out of the funk. I'm sure ready to. I hate it when I become hermit crab like and withdraw into my shell for what results in a pity party, party of 1. Anyone who reads this that was around me on Sunday, yes I wasn't myself, yes I'm getting better, no it had nothing to do with you. It's hard for me go through something really deep like I did this weekend and still be social. I usually hide away until it's all done but I'm trying to get over that. I think that this morning I'm starting to realize that's what it is and it's because my confidence isn't rooted as deeply as it should be. Through my massive resources, God has been able to speak to my heart a bit and let me know some things. At the end of the day He loves me and calls me His and it doesn't really matter whether the rest of the world sees me in any sort of fraction like He does, especially the male part of the world. I've just gotta be myself and stop trying to repress that. It's always when I start repressing who I am at my core, by thinking I'm too much, too passionate, too delusional, I'm not good enough, or maybe that fellow from my past was right, maybe it's because I'm not pretty enough to date, that the attacks start flying and then I'm just getting bombarded and joy starts to leave…very quickly! It leaves me with my head hanging in shame as I let out a long sigh. Man oh man is it hard being a girl at times. Most of the time it is sooo hard to keep my head and my heart on the same wave length. I know how to work some of this out but it's just going to take commitment on my part to keep my eyes focused where they need to be focused. Anyhoos. Lunch break is getting ready to end and I've gotta get back to the MOTHER LOAD!!!! It's awesome taking 2 weeks off a job that always leaves you behind. Job security…gotta love it. Sorry if this makes no sense to anyone else, but getting it off my chest helps me work things out so ya…
Newly written song
Originally posted November 25, 2007
Proverbs 4:23 states: "Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life."Music is harmonies that connect humans. Writing for me is how my soul inhales and exhales. This song is an exhale and it's the first in a LONG time that I've written. If only I could compose the rest of it because all of that is in my head as well, unfortunately I only know how to ge the words out. So enjoy and comment if you like. ~Steph
"I'll be alright"
Chorus:So I'll be alright
I'm just not there yet
Give me some time
Allow my heart to heal
When you see me passing by
I might have some tears inside
I will be alright
But I'm just not there yet
V1:
Just the other night you told me
You only want to be my friend
By grace alone I sat there smiling
Agreeing with what you said
Chorus
V2:
My heart was open now it's closing
You said you could be making a big mistake
I believe all things will work out in the end
I'm giving control to the one who can heal my pain
Chorus
Bridge:
When I closed my eyes And laid my head down to sleep
My heart was breaking so slowly
I don't understand
How it got so deep
It's amazing how it all can creep up on you.
Chorus
Proverbs 4:23 states: "Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life."Music is harmonies that connect humans. Writing for me is how my soul inhales and exhales. This song is an exhale and it's the first in a LONG time that I've written. If only I could compose the rest of it because all of that is in my head as well, unfortunately I only know how to ge the words out. So enjoy and comment if you like. ~Steph
"I'll be alright"
Chorus:So I'll be alright
I'm just not there yet
Give me some time
Allow my heart to heal
When you see me passing by
I might have some tears inside
I will be alright
But I'm just not there yet
V1:
Just the other night you told me
You only want to be my friend
By grace alone I sat there smiling
Agreeing with what you said
Chorus
V2:
My heart was open now it's closing
You said you could be making a big mistake
I believe all things will work out in the end
I'm giving control to the one who can heal my pain
Chorus
Bridge:
When I closed my eyes And laid my head down to sleep
My heart was breaking so slowly
I don't understand
How it got so deep
It's amazing how it all can creep up on you.
Chorus
When He speaks, I start listening
Originally posted November 24, 2007
I don't know what it is about spending time with God at work. That may be the reason why I am in the office at 10:00 on a Saturday morning. I just woke up with the urge to come in. There are so many things going on in my head right now that I need to get answers for and I know the solution. I know what it's going to take to get these answers. It's just waiting for the right time. So trying to get away from my analytical mind, I decided to come into work for a bit and work on my credit pile, (which can be mindless work after a while) and spend time with God listening to His word. Well He JUST spoke to me to help calm down what I am feeling inside. Psalm 27:10 says in the amplified version: "Although my father and my mother have forsaken me, yet the Lord will take me up [adopt me as His child]." The beautiful thing is you can apply this to more than just your parents abandoning you. It can be from members of the opposite sex to life in general. It is saying that no matter what anyone else says or does to you, God essentially looks down at you and says, "Mine", as He points you out. That is SUCH a comfort to me since I have struggled with that in the past and even now at times on the subject of being wanted. It amazes me how resilient my heart is at times. As much as I want to protect it from the entire world, it's not long before it pushes its way back out to give and receive love.
I have recently discovered what it is to be completely vulnerable with someone in a way that is foreign to me. To not only admit to someone's face 'Hey your pretty awesome and I'm interested in you' but to also admit to yourself. At that point and time all the internal lies have to stop. You have to come to grip with the fact that yep…he's intriguing and there's something about him that's caught my eye. One part that's been throwing me for a loop with this situation is that God HAS remained the center of my focus. God still is the first one I think of when I wake up in the morning AND the last one I think of when I close my eyes at sleep. The growth He has worked out in me in the last few weeks is nothing short of a God thing. I'm really starting to understand the concept of God moves when you take that step of faith. It was a step of faith to go talk with this person. I've never boldly admitted my feelings to anyone before. Then the aftermath of what God has done. Grace has been received for patience, He's worked out a lot of past issues dealing with rejection, He has still remained my main focus, and now He's taking me through confident living through Him. He seems to like to do a lot at one time, which is ok with me. Now I'm to the point where I need to know an answer. I may have already received one and I just missed it for whatever reason, but if that's the case I must be told again. I can't allow this to grow anymore if it's not supposed to. The amazing thing to me is that Steph a year ago would have just suffered in the analysis of the mind and pondering what the actions mean, which is cause for the 2nd part that is throwing me up. (Why must guys act different that what we have come to expect? It throws a wrench in the wheel!) However, God improved Steph, wants to talk with the person and find out an answer and act accordingly. Talk it out, deal with it, and move on. I'm loving this newly improved Steph.
Just like the night that I talked with this person, I will probably do it afraid. That is something else I have learned here recently. Joshua 1:9 (NIV) "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." God is saying to Joshua, "Look here's the deal. Your about to do something that will cause you to feel fear, but don't let that over come you because I'm with you the entire way. Just a heads up so you know that you will feel it." When God says 'fear not', He is NOT saying 'Do not feel fear'. The Vines Dictionary defines the word fear as follows: "first had the meaning of "flight," that which is caused by being scared; then, "that which may cause flight,"". This was a revelation to me. When I thought of 'fear not', I imagine like most people, I was under the impression that I could not FEEL fear even. That is not what God is telling us. Feelings of fear will happen and when you understand that and you can make the decision that even if I FEEL afraid, I'm not going to run, I will stay steadfast and do as God has commanded me because HE is with me. This whole thought of 'Do it afraid' has just revolutionized my thinking. I'm not going to run when I'm overwhelmed by fear. Feelings of fear can overcome me and try to get me to not do what I need to do, but God is with me and that's all I need to know. God loves me (and you)…end of story. ~Steph
Changes
Originally posted November 14, 2007
It is awesome when people can see changes in your life. God has been doing a lot in me lately and it's not the easiest at times. I'm learning alot and understanding concepts more now which is awesome. I think the coolest part of it all happened last night when I was sitting at a friend's house ("say wut" - Anita)and she looked at me and made the comment of 'girl you are so in love...with Jesus'. I hadn't even said anything remotely close to implying that, it was just the look on my face I guess that said it all. I'm so in awe and falling in love with Him. It's great, especially when other people can see it. It definitely is something that I don't want to hide. I pray that He uses my love for Him for His glory in a way that I couldn't even imagine. Just thought I'd put something up here that's short and sweet and this is the perfect thing. ~Steph
It is awesome when people can see changes in your life. God has been doing a lot in me lately and it's not the easiest at times. I'm learning alot and understanding concepts more now which is awesome. I think the coolest part of it all happened last night when I was sitting at a friend's house ("say wut" - Anita)and she looked at me and made the comment of 'girl you are so in love...with Jesus'. I hadn't even said anything remotely close to implying that, it was just the look on my face I guess that said it all. I'm so in awe and falling in love with Him. It's great, especially when other people can see it. It definitely is something that I don't want to hide. I pray that He uses my love for Him for His glory in a way that I couldn't even imagine. Just thought I'd put something up here that's short and sweet and this is the perfect thing. ~Steph
Revelations
Orginally posted November 13, 2007
In God, whose word I praise.
In God I trust; I will not be afraid.
What can mortal man do to me?
Psalm 56:4
A friend sent me this verse when I was in a need to receive this exact verse and I love it now! Thank you, you know who you are.
Isaiah 26: 1(a) Our city is strong!
We are surrounded by the walls of God's salvation.
2 Open the gates to all who are righteous;allow the faithful to enter.
3 You will keep in perfect peaceall who trust in you,all whose thoughts are fixed on you!
4 Trust in the Lord always,for the Lord God is the eternal Rock.
I've been going through a lot of growth right now and God is rocking my world. One of the things that I'm starting to understand and enabling God to fix in my life deals with rejection. We all have to go through rejection at some point and time. Some of us, (raising my hand on this one), start to take rejection in the wrong way and start to believe it is truth. We hide behind fear of the past and the mistakes that we/others have made. God is taking me through this course to release my past hurts and fear that I hide behind. He is pressing upon my heart to let the walls that I have built up to "protect" myself from the pain of rejection fall down. He wants to and can protect me. He wants to be my wall. One of the most amazing revelations I had came this morning. I finally understand something and have an inner peace now because of it. My parents got divorced when I was 8 years old and I knew a lot of the reasons behind it. Infidelity can mess you up when you're that age and it can really cause you to build up some walls which eventually can keep God out if they don't come down. God has impressed onto my heart that I can't live my life fearing people will hurt me like the past and trying to prevent it on my own.
A godly friend made a comment to me that struck a chord. He told me that he wasn't the guys from my past. Though it was a simple statement, I realized then that I put my expectations of how they would react to things onto him. That was all I knew and I was scared of anything other than that reaction in an odd way. I don't want to be like that anymore. I refuse to be like that. He isn't like the guys from my past and as long as I don't treat him as though he is like them, he won't be forced into being like them. Think of it this way. If you are use to be rejected by people you in essence force the new people in your life into rejecting you to prove that you are right about rejection and you end up being right by your own fault. This has changed and continues to improve in my life because I focus on God now and pleasing Him and finding my worth in Him instead of other people.
I can't go into a marriage and have this still small fear that one day the person will break my heart by cheating or any other thing. That still small fear is part of the root of rejection and it is causing a Steph made wall to be up. That is a fear of rejection that has to be uprooted! I finally understand that even though I pray for these things not happen, I pray for my husband and for our marriage continually, I may still end up walking through these hurts. However, I realize that I have no control over fixing this pain if it happens and I've got to give it to God because He is the great healer. He wants to put a wall of protection, both physical and emotional, around me. This actually happened when I received Christ (9/12/05). I just haven't let my walls down until now to enable God's walls to be planted firmly around me. God has my back and I trust Him now with this fact in my life, among others. I will have to walk through rejection because it's inevitable, but He is with me and will heal the bruises that are caused by out right rejection. I feel such peace now with my walls down. They continue to crumble everyday which is awesome! Praise God!!
I understand now that a lot of the rejection that I feel is self-induced. It is caused by inner vows (such as I will never let anyone close enough to hurt me, etc.) among other things. These inner vows are being uprooted and changed. They are being replaced by God's vows of His love and protection. I hope this made sense because I'm still trying to piece it altogether in my head right now. I've had a huge wait lifted from me. I'm not longer going to live by fear of how my past has come undone. If someone hurts me I will still love them as Christ loves me and forgive. I have realized and practiced the truth of the fact that I have been forgiven of much, so I can forgive much.
Anyway. I'm still working through the series that God is using to teach me this stuff. It is a Joyce Meyer series called 'The root of rejection'. It's been an incredibly eye opening experience and I'm thankful that God is walking me through it. It's painful right now, but I'll be even better when I come out to the other side. Laters.
~Steph
In God, whose word I praise.
In God I trust; I will not be afraid.
What can mortal man do to me?
Psalm 56:4
A friend sent me this verse when I was in a need to receive this exact verse and I love it now! Thank you, you know who you are.
Isaiah 26: 1(a) Our city is strong!
We are surrounded by the walls of God's salvation.
2 Open the gates to all who are righteous;allow the faithful to enter.
3 You will keep in perfect peaceall who trust in you,all whose thoughts are fixed on you!
4 Trust in the Lord always,for the Lord God is the eternal Rock.
I've been going through a lot of growth right now and God is rocking my world. One of the things that I'm starting to understand and enabling God to fix in my life deals with rejection. We all have to go through rejection at some point and time. Some of us, (raising my hand on this one), start to take rejection in the wrong way and start to believe it is truth. We hide behind fear of the past and the mistakes that we/others have made. God is taking me through this course to release my past hurts and fear that I hide behind. He is pressing upon my heart to let the walls that I have built up to "protect" myself from the pain of rejection fall down. He wants to and can protect me. He wants to be my wall. One of the most amazing revelations I had came this morning. I finally understand something and have an inner peace now because of it. My parents got divorced when I was 8 years old and I knew a lot of the reasons behind it. Infidelity can mess you up when you're that age and it can really cause you to build up some walls which eventually can keep God out if they don't come down. God has impressed onto my heart that I can't live my life fearing people will hurt me like the past and trying to prevent it on my own.
A godly friend made a comment to me that struck a chord. He told me that he wasn't the guys from my past. Though it was a simple statement, I realized then that I put my expectations of how they would react to things onto him. That was all I knew and I was scared of anything other than that reaction in an odd way. I don't want to be like that anymore. I refuse to be like that. He isn't like the guys from my past and as long as I don't treat him as though he is like them, he won't be forced into being like them. Think of it this way. If you are use to be rejected by people you in essence force the new people in your life into rejecting you to prove that you are right about rejection and you end up being right by your own fault. This has changed and continues to improve in my life because I focus on God now and pleasing Him and finding my worth in Him instead of other people.
I can't go into a marriage and have this still small fear that one day the person will break my heart by cheating or any other thing. That still small fear is part of the root of rejection and it is causing a Steph made wall to be up. That is a fear of rejection that has to be uprooted! I finally understand that even though I pray for these things not happen, I pray for my husband and for our marriage continually, I may still end up walking through these hurts. However, I realize that I have no control over fixing this pain if it happens and I've got to give it to God because He is the great healer. He wants to put a wall of protection, both physical and emotional, around me. This actually happened when I received Christ (9/12/05). I just haven't let my walls down until now to enable God's walls to be planted firmly around me. God has my back and I trust Him now with this fact in my life, among others. I will have to walk through rejection because it's inevitable, but He is with me and will heal the bruises that are caused by out right rejection. I feel such peace now with my walls down. They continue to crumble everyday which is awesome! Praise God!!
I understand now that a lot of the rejection that I feel is self-induced. It is caused by inner vows (such as I will never let anyone close enough to hurt me, etc.) among other things. These inner vows are being uprooted and changed. They are being replaced by God's vows of His love and protection. I hope this made sense because I'm still trying to piece it altogether in my head right now. I've had a huge wait lifted from me. I'm not longer going to live by fear of how my past has come undone. If someone hurts me I will still love them as Christ loves me and forgive. I have realized and practiced the truth of the fact that I have been forgiven of much, so I can forgive much.
Anyway. I'm still working through the series that God is using to teach me this stuff. It is a Joyce Meyer series called 'The root of rejection'. It's been an incredibly eye opening experience and I'm thankful that God is walking me through it. It's painful right now, but I'll be even better when I come out to the other side. Laters.
~Steph
Goals and God's Providence
Originally posted November 10, 2007
So I don't know if I've ever put this up here before, but I'm going to do it now anyway. About a year ago, after a moving message at church, I wrote out a list of goals that I had that I wanted to see come true. They were a starting point to help me grow into the women of God that I desire to be. So here they are:
1. I want to know what God's purpose is for me so I can be focused on it.
2. I want to be more Godly so I can live a blameless life.
3. I want to come out of this shoebox that I live in.
4. I want to open myself up to let others in and lose the shyness.
5. I want to have godly people in my life to help encourage and grow me.
6. I want to be a godly person in someone else's life to give life to them and encourage them.
7. I don't want to be afraid anymore.
8. I want to live life to it's fullest through Christ.
9. I want passion and clarity in my life.
10. I want to see God's amazing works and blessings everywhere I go and everywhere I am.
11. I want to be more committed to the hard things in life and not stray because it doesn't come naturally.
12. Make me uncomfortable.
The amazing thing about this list? Within 1 year God has answered all of these. Some more intensely than others, but I've seen all 12 of these come about in some shape or form. Wow, if I could have taken a mental video to be able to watch a year later and see what God has done in me. Wow. I just recently finished listening to a series from Mark Driscoll at Mars Hill Church in Seattle, WA entitle "Redeeming Ruth". Here is the link to it because it was just that AWESOME!!! http://www.marshillchurch.org/sermonseries/redeemingruth/
One thing that Mark talked about during this series was God's providential hand in our life. Those moments when we are like hmm...that's strange, or what a coincidence, or that must be some awesome karma, etc. etc. I whole heartedly belief that is God and His providence. It is when God shows up yet wants it to be ananymous, as one person put it to me. If you pay attention in life, you will realize just how THERE God really is. We always expect some big kinda miracle like the part of a sea or someone coming back from the dead. Truth is, God is awesome with those miracles but His providence is there even more if we just pay attention. It happened to me today. I won't get into all the details, but the way things unfolded, I was like well that was God because I know that nothing is coincidence. It's Him plain and simple. I really believe that recgonizing times of God's providence helps us see Him in a new and real way and helps us see His blessing in a new and real way. Well that's all I've got to write for now. Peace out!
~Steph
So I don't know if I've ever put this up here before, but I'm going to do it now anyway. About a year ago, after a moving message at church, I wrote out a list of goals that I had that I wanted to see come true. They were a starting point to help me grow into the women of God that I desire to be. So here they are:
1. I want to know what God's purpose is for me so I can be focused on it.
2. I want to be more Godly so I can live a blameless life.
3. I want to come out of this shoebox that I live in.
4. I want to open myself up to let others in and lose the shyness.
5. I want to have godly people in my life to help encourage and grow me.
6. I want to be a godly person in someone else's life to give life to them and encourage them.
7. I don't want to be afraid anymore.
8. I want to live life to it's fullest through Christ.
9. I want passion and clarity in my life.
10. I want to see God's amazing works and blessings everywhere I go and everywhere I am.
11. I want to be more committed to the hard things in life and not stray because it doesn't come naturally.
12. Make me uncomfortable.
The amazing thing about this list? Within 1 year God has answered all of these. Some more intensely than others, but I've seen all 12 of these come about in some shape or form. Wow, if I could have taken a mental video to be able to watch a year later and see what God has done in me. Wow. I just recently finished listening to a series from Mark Driscoll at Mars Hill Church in Seattle, WA entitle "Redeeming Ruth". Here is the link to it because it was just that AWESOME!!! http://www.marshillchurch.org/sermonseries/redeemingruth/
One thing that Mark talked about during this series was God's providential hand in our life. Those moments when we are like hmm...that's strange, or what a coincidence, or that must be some awesome karma, etc. etc. I whole heartedly belief that is God and His providence. It is when God shows up yet wants it to be ananymous, as one person put it to me. If you pay attention in life, you will realize just how THERE God really is. We always expect some big kinda miracle like the part of a sea or someone coming back from the dead. Truth is, God is awesome with those miracles but His providence is there even more if we just pay attention. It happened to me today. I won't get into all the details, but the way things unfolded, I was like well that was God because I know that nothing is coincidence. It's Him plain and simple. I really believe that recgonizing times of God's providence helps us see Him in a new and real way and helps us see His blessing in a new and real way. Well that's all I've got to write for now. Peace out!
~Steph
Not the same
Originally posted November 3, 2007
I am so blown away at the awesomeness of God. I am just in awe of how things work out exactly as they are supposed to and then how they work out. Even better is when things work out for me and God takes care of me and I don't even realize it until later. It makes me realize that He really does have my back and take care of me and I don't want to take that for granted. I went to the Joyce Meyers conference in Atlanta and I came back changed. Things that were confirmed and revealed to me only make me a stronger person in what it is that I believe and stand for in Christ and also it jacks me up about the vision that God has for my life. The Bible says that I'm created on purpose, for a purpose, and I have a purpose and the more that God reveals that to me the more in awe I am of how BIG He is and how little I think. I'm amazed that this former nobody chick from the middle of nowhere southern Iowa who grew up with everyone around having the dream of just getting out of town and not being sucked into staying there for the rest of their life. Never in my wildest dream did I ever believe I'm going to be doing what it is God has planned for me let alone what I'm doing now. I look back over the past year and see my spiritual growth and it leaves me speechless.
I've been going through relationship growth this past year. It was a bit over a year ago that I told God that I didn't want to love Him like everyone else says that they do. I want to be passionately and deeply in love with Him. I'm there now and it's great and it keeps getting greater. He is my focus instead of everything else around me and I can see how that is coming in line. Do I sometimes stray, yes, but not for as long as I use to. More and more I am keeping my eyes upon Him and not on what's going on around me. I have learned more of what it is to be a friend and have healthy boundaries and not let people walk all over me. I'm not a door mat!!!!! I refuse to be one anymore!!! I have also learned more about what a godly relationship looks like between men and women. This will help me tremendously when God brings my some kind of wonderful into the picture.
During the conference He was confirming with me on what it meant to be unique in Him. That doesn't meant following religious mindsets that we get or people try to get us to get. The time I spend with Him and how I spend it with Him is different from pretty much everyone else. But the fact of the matter is that I spend time with God and just because it doesn't look like how you spend time with God in no way affects the bottom line. I am seeking God in the best way I know how. An example of a religious mindset would be doing devotions when you first get up. You crack open the Bible and do you thing and get on with your day. For some people that would work, but not for me. I've realized that as much as people can try to force me into it by saying that is what I need to do in order to have a godly walk; I realize that it is just a religious mindset. They are trying to push what they do onto me and everyone else that doesn't do it their way. Another example is prayer. Some people can pray for hours and hours. That's awesome. I'm getting more ADD as I get older and I can't obtain focus that long for hours and hours. I'm lucky if when I pray before I go to sleep if I can get a couple minutes without losing track and then having to come back to where I was at.
Here is how my walk with God looks most days. When I wake up in the morning, I'm not too with it. I've never been much of a morning person and I don't comprehend much, which is why I know if I got into the word I wouldn't get much out of it. I do spend about 15 minutes or so before I get up and totally wake up with God talking to Him and such. While I'm at work I listen to messages that I've gotten from places like NewSpring (www.newspring.cc) or from people like Mark Driscoll (www.marshillchurch.org) and one of my favorite people Joyce Meyer (www.joycemeyer.org). These are great resources for me because I have found that I learn best by listening. I struggle with reading and getting it. In school I was always one to do really well in school if I just listened in class. I rarely ever opened the book unless I had to. I found that if I read I would get more confused and start to question myself. So the awesome part of listening to these different messages is it helps me grow by leaps and bounds and I'm able to spend most of my work day with God which helps when you have a high stress kind of job like I do. I also pray and talk with God a lot during the day. I can't sit there for hours or long periods of time and pray but I can pray multiple times during the day. When I go to bed depending on how hungry I still am I will sometimes directly get into the word and explore more of what I heard during the day. I would have to say that the longest time I spend in prayer is right before I go to sleep. That is how my walk usually looks with God on my own time. It really works for me and I know that it is working because I am growing and seeking God more and more. I am learning to be strong with my faith and not to be blown over by what other people think I should do in order to essentially conform to their thoughts and ideas. God created us all unique and we need to find the unique way that we connect with Him, not how so and so connect with Him.
will more than likely put up some more blogs later on what else I learned while at the conference, but this is one of the big ones. Don't fall into the trap of the religious mindsets. I found that I have a few that I try to enforce on myself and it doesn't work very well and now I understand why. I also understand what it means when God said if you seek me you will find me. I am finding Him foresure and all I can do is stand in awe. It's a great place to be. One more thing to remember, it's all about quality not quantity. Understanding and being able to apply 1 verse you read in the Bible is better than reading an entire book (like Matthew) and not getting anything. Don't let people tell you how your walk is supposed to look. Let God tell you. He knows you best. Seek Him and He will show you the way. Faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains and those mountains just could be your heart, soul, and mind. Until next time.
~Steph
I am so blown away at the awesomeness of God. I am just in awe of how things work out exactly as they are supposed to and then how they work out. Even better is when things work out for me and God takes care of me and I don't even realize it until later. It makes me realize that He really does have my back and take care of me and I don't want to take that for granted. I went to the Joyce Meyers conference in Atlanta and I came back changed. Things that were confirmed and revealed to me only make me a stronger person in what it is that I believe and stand for in Christ and also it jacks me up about the vision that God has for my life. The Bible says that I'm created on purpose, for a purpose, and I have a purpose and the more that God reveals that to me the more in awe I am of how BIG He is and how little I think. I'm amazed that this former nobody chick from the middle of nowhere southern Iowa who grew up with everyone around having the dream of just getting out of town and not being sucked into staying there for the rest of their life. Never in my wildest dream did I ever believe I'm going to be doing what it is God has planned for me let alone what I'm doing now. I look back over the past year and see my spiritual growth and it leaves me speechless.
I've been going through relationship growth this past year. It was a bit over a year ago that I told God that I didn't want to love Him like everyone else says that they do. I want to be passionately and deeply in love with Him. I'm there now and it's great and it keeps getting greater. He is my focus instead of everything else around me and I can see how that is coming in line. Do I sometimes stray, yes, but not for as long as I use to. More and more I am keeping my eyes upon Him and not on what's going on around me. I have learned more of what it is to be a friend and have healthy boundaries and not let people walk all over me. I'm not a door mat!!!!! I refuse to be one anymore!!! I have also learned more about what a godly relationship looks like between men and women. This will help me tremendously when God brings my some kind of wonderful into the picture.
During the conference He was confirming with me on what it meant to be unique in Him. That doesn't meant following religious mindsets that we get or people try to get us to get. The time I spend with Him and how I spend it with Him is different from pretty much everyone else. But the fact of the matter is that I spend time with God and just because it doesn't look like how you spend time with God in no way affects the bottom line. I am seeking God in the best way I know how. An example of a religious mindset would be doing devotions when you first get up. You crack open the Bible and do you thing and get on with your day. For some people that would work, but not for me. I've realized that as much as people can try to force me into it by saying that is what I need to do in order to have a godly walk; I realize that it is just a religious mindset. They are trying to push what they do onto me and everyone else that doesn't do it their way. Another example is prayer. Some people can pray for hours and hours. That's awesome. I'm getting more ADD as I get older and I can't obtain focus that long for hours and hours. I'm lucky if when I pray before I go to sleep if I can get a couple minutes without losing track and then having to come back to where I was at.
Here is how my walk with God looks most days. When I wake up in the morning, I'm not too with it. I've never been much of a morning person and I don't comprehend much, which is why I know if I got into the word I wouldn't get much out of it. I do spend about 15 minutes or so before I get up and totally wake up with God talking to Him and such. While I'm at work I listen to messages that I've gotten from places like NewSpring (www.newspring.cc) or from people like Mark Driscoll (www.marshillchurch.org) and one of my favorite people Joyce Meyer (www.joycemeyer.org). These are great resources for me because I have found that I learn best by listening. I struggle with reading and getting it. In school I was always one to do really well in school if I just listened in class. I rarely ever opened the book unless I had to. I found that if I read I would get more confused and start to question myself. So the awesome part of listening to these different messages is it helps me grow by leaps and bounds and I'm able to spend most of my work day with God which helps when you have a high stress kind of job like I do. I also pray and talk with God a lot during the day. I can't sit there for hours or long periods of time and pray but I can pray multiple times during the day. When I go to bed depending on how hungry I still am I will sometimes directly get into the word and explore more of what I heard during the day. I would have to say that the longest time I spend in prayer is right before I go to sleep. That is how my walk usually looks with God on my own time. It really works for me and I know that it is working because I am growing and seeking God more and more. I am learning to be strong with my faith and not to be blown over by what other people think I should do in order to essentially conform to their thoughts and ideas. God created us all unique and we need to find the unique way that we connect with Him, not how so and so connect with Him.
will more than likely put up some more blogs later on what else I learned while at the conference, but this is one of the big ones. Don't fall into the trap of the religious mindsets. I found that I have a few that I try to enforce on myself and it doesn't work very well and now I understand why. I also understand what it means when God said if you seek me you will find me. I am finding Him foresure and all I can do is stand in awe. It's a great place to be. One more thing to remember, it's all about quality not quantity. Understanding and being able to apply 1 verse you read in the Bible is better than reading an entire book (like Matthew) and not getting anything. Don't let people tell you how your walk is supposed to look. Let God tell you. He knows you best. Seek Him and He will show you the way. Faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains and those mountains just could be your heart, soul, and mind. Until next time.
~Steph
Leaving on a jetplane
Originally posted October 23, 2007
I'm leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again. I love that song. It's what I was singing in the shower this morning. It's actually partially true. I am leaving on a jet plane, however, I do know when I'm coming back again.
So I'm sitting in the airport awaiting my flight that will take me home until Saturday. I'm so thankful that I have the opportunity to go home, on my company's buck, to partake in some IT training and in the process be able to chill with my family. Grams is soooo excited that I'm coming home that I'm getting to have Thanksgiving Dinner on Thursday. Granted that it is a month early, my grams loves me to death and since I'll be home she wants to do it. So I will graciously accept her enthusiasm and go along with it. I know that this is how she shows me that she loves me. That's something I've been thinking about lately. How do we show people that we love them? We all have our different ways. I'm a giving kind of person. Alot of people, especially of the male peoples, don't understand that and then they seem to think that there might be ulterior motives, when in actuality I just wanted to do something nice for them to show I care about them and the friendship I get. This is something I struggle with. I've tried to do something thoughtful for people and they either didn't receive it well by acting like they did care or things got awkward or whatever. Because of this, sometimes I've held back on being me. I know that I have a lot of offer people. I don't want the fear of what has happened in my past to detour me from showing the light that God has in me. It is really easy for me to fall back into that mode. I love the NEEDTOBREATHE song "Looks like love". That song is my new prayer. 'I don't want to run when it looks like love. I don't want to hide behind the fears of how my past has come undone.' This is in the sense of everybody even God. There are times that I am so blown away by Him that I'd rather hide behind the lies that have been my walls for so many years. Yet He still calls me out from behind these walls and covers me with His love. It's amazing. I can say that He has definitely taken my walls down here recently. It's been awesome, but there are moments when I want to freak out because it makes me so vulnerable. Even with my walls up I still got attached to people and had my heart crushed. Now with them down. Wow.. Scary thought at times. But I do take heart and know that God will protect me. I just have to ask. Just like flying home. I've always driven home. I've never traveled alone in an airport. When I have flown, which the last time was 7 years ago, I was in groups. I struggle because I'm one of those people that need to know what is going on. What is the way to proceed? How does this process work? Where do I go? Etc. etc. That's just the secretary in me. Then due to my mental fatigue satan likes to play with my mind and throw up all kinds of images of what could go wrong. But by the end of the night, I had my mind refocused on God and He took away my fear. He's what I'm going with. I'm going home one way or another. Either to see my family and work in Iowa or I'm going to Heaven. One way or another, I'll be ok. Then I started to think of the awesome opportunity to talk with people about him. Yes I switched out my purse to my books-a-million back so that could be my purse and I could carry more stuff, like my big Bible, which I plan on reading on the flight. So then my prayer was God just use me as your ears, eyes, mouth, and body. Speak through me and to me so you can get the glory of what you are doing in the world and in our lives. So then I was at ease. I'm feeling pretty good. As long as I can stay patient. I have about another 45 minutes until my flight. I've prayed over this flight multiple times. I will again once I get on the plane. Nicole's prayed with me. So I'm definitely getting some of God's peace right now. So speaking of that, peace out, and I'll write later on. ~Steph
I'm leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again. I love that song. It's what I was singing in the shower this morning. It's actually partially true. I am leaving on a jet plane, however, I do know when I'm coming back again.
So I'm sitting in the airport awaiting my flight that will take me home until Saturday. I'm so thankful that I have the opportunity to go home, on my company's buck, to partake in some IT training and in the process be able to chill with my family. Grams is soooo excited that I'm coming home that I'm getting to have Thanksgiving Dinner on Thursday. Granted that it is a month early, my grams loves me to death and since I'll be home she wants to do it. So I will graciously accept her enthusiasm and go along with it. I know that this is how she shows me that she loves me. That's something I've been thinking about lately. How do we show people that we love them? We all have our different ways. I'm a giving kind of person. Alot of people, especially of the male peoples, don't understand that and then they seem to think that there might be ulterior motives, when in actuality I just wanted to do something nice for them to show I care about them and the friendship I get. This is something I struggle with. I've tried to do something thoughtful for people and they either didn't receive it well by acting like they did care or things got awkward or whatever. Because of this, sometimes I've held back on being me. I know that I have a lot of offer people. I don't want the fear of what has happened in my past to detour me from showing the light that God has in me. It is really easy for me to fall back into that mode. I love the NEEDTOBREATHE song "Looks like love". That song is my new prayer. 'I don't want to run when it looks like love. I don't want to hide behind the fears of how my past has come undone.' This is in the sense of everybody even God. There are times that I am so blown away by Him that I'd rather hide behind the lies that have been my walls for so many years. Yet He still calls me out from behind these walls and covers me with His love. It's amazing. I can say that He has definitely taken my walls down here recently. It's been awesome, but there are moments when I want to freak out because it makes me so vulnerable. Even with my walls up I still got attached to people and had my heart crushed. Now with them down. Wow.. Scary thought at times. But I do take heart and know that God will protect me. I just have to ask. Just like flying home. I've always driven home. I've never traveled alone in an airport. When I have flown, which the last time was 7 years ago, I was in groups. I struggle because I'm one of those people that need to know what is going on. What is the way to proceed? How does this process work? Where do I go? Etc. etc. That's just the secretary in me. Then due to my mental fatigue satan likes to play with my mind and throw up all kinds of images of what could go wrong. But by the end of the night, I had my mind refocused on God and He took away my fear. He's what I'm going with. I'm going home one way or another. Either to see my family and work in Iowa or I'm going to Heaven. One way or another, I'll be ok. Then I started to think of the awesome opportunity to talk with people about him. Yes I switched out my purse to my books-a-million back so that could be my purse and I could carry more stuff, like my big Bible, which I plan on reading on the flight. So then my prayer was God just use me as your ears, eyes, mouth, and body. Speak through me and to me so you can get the glory of what you are doing in the world and in our lives. So then I was at ease. I'm feeling pretty good. As long as I can stay patient. I have about another 45 minutes until my flight. I've prayed over this flight multiple times. I will again once I get on the plane. Nicole's prayed with me. So I'm definitely getting some of God's peace right now. So speaking of that, peace out, and I'll write later on. ~Steph
Everyone's going somewhere. Arrive there on purpose.
Originally posted September 24, 2007
Sunday was an incredibly revealing day for me. God has been rocking my world for the past two weeks and reconfirming so many things to me. I made the decision a long time ago that I didn't want to love God like everyone else does. I want to fall totally 100% in love with Him. I figure that I can't love other people the way that God created me to if I don't understand how to love God how He created me to love Him. It has been my prayer for a while for God to show me how to do this. Unfortunately there is not a prescribe method. No one wrote a book called Dummy's guide to loving God. I think that it HAS to be an individually based path for everyone because we all are unique and we all come with our own baggage. God has been showing me that to fully love Him I have to fully trust Him. I would love to be able to say that I fully trust God with everything. I mean I trust Him with my salvation but at times I find myself not trusting Him with smaller things than my salvation. God has really been using events from my past to show me His faithfulness and how easily I trusted Him, like moving out to SC as a prime example. God's way to get to me a lot of the time is to ask me questions. These questions initially make me feel cool, until He finishes and I realize the answer. Jesus did this a lot in scripture. He rarely ever answered questions with an answer, but rather with another question. Usually it boils down to me realizing that I'm not trusting God with the situation. So...once I realize that I fix it...immediately. I remember it was in August and I was sitting in a service at NewSpring and I had been battling for months about transferring to NewSpring and becoming a member and leaving the church I had been at. There was only 1 thing holding me back. Sound. Music is one of my great passions. It's an awesome way for me to communicate with God when I can't find words myself. I always have atleast one song playing in my head..if not multiple ones. I walked away from music once. It was the worst 5 years of my life. I never wanted to do it again. God put some pretty big dreams on my heart about sound. Now it seemed as though He wanted me to potentially walk away from it? That made no sense to me. I have so much respect for Joel, the resident sound guy at NewSpring. I understand and respect why he has things happen the way he does. I get it, really, I do. But it just kinda sucks on my end at times because right now, I'm not able to do sound with them. So that being said, back to me sitting in the seat during the service. I felt the H.S. (Holy Spirit) call out to me with a question. "Explain to me how you can move 1100 miles away from everything you knew to a place you have never been and know no one?" My answer: "I trusted God. I knew that is where He wanted me to be." Question two: "So explain to me why you won't commit to becoming a part of the life at NewSpring?" Ouch...that hurt. My answer: "Apparently, I'm not trusting God with that move because I'm holding onto doing sound at Marathon." It was in that moment when I realized that I wasn't trusting God that I repented and made the decision to follow God's will, even though I didn't understand it. That night I signed up for membership class and grouplink. Following God's will in the decision has been the greatest blessing. I am part of a body of Christ that is sooo passionate about Jesus. When people are passionate about Jesus, they then in turn become passionate about people. I have met so many people and made so many new friends. It's blown me away at how quickly I have been plugged into the life at NewSpring and I'm loving every moment of it.
God has also been teaching me a lot of things about relationships lately. I recommend reading the books, "When God writes your love story" and "Choosing God's Best". These also deal with trust. I have to trust that if it is God's will for me to get married, He already has the perfect guy picked out. I don't need to be dating around, which I'm glad to hear. Guys, mental note as a thing NEVER to say to a girl. "You have a great personality, your just not pretty enough to date." I won't lie. I have actually had guys tell me this. I didn't realize how much that statement has messed me up. Honestly, guys don't even have to verbally say it. I'm had it said to me a lot of times just by the way that they look at me. Until I started viewing myself as the way that God views me, I always had that in the back of my head answering my questions like...why don't I get dates. Is there something wrong with me? Being really honest here, I've never dated. I've never had a boyfriend. Do you realize how much slack you get from society when you admit that right there? It's bad! But God has shown me what a blessing that has been. He has been protecting me heart from it getting totally stomped on by failed relationship to failed relationship. Girls, I challenge you to really pick up these books and see what it is that God wants to say to you. I learned sooo much about purity in "When God writes your love story." Do you realize that your heart is a pearl? A treasure that God has created for 1 man. The man you will marry that you will become husband. When you starting giving away pieces of your heart to someone other than your husband you are being essentially unfaithful to him. Even if you haven't met him right now, you are being unfaithful to him in emotionally and mental ways, even if you are being physically pure. We are called to be pure emotionally and mentally as well. Proverbs 31:12 rocked my world. It is talking about the qualities of a godly wife and it says that she brings him good, not harm, ALL the days of her life. I wish when I was younger someone would have explained to me that purity was more than just a physical thing. Take heart though. God wants to restore us back to beauty. We just have to be willing to take Him up on it. It's not easy when you get around a man that loves Jesus. Personally for me, it is super attractive when you meet a guy who has his heart abandoned to God. Who treats women with respect and honor. But I don't need to look around questioning God if this is the one or that is. I need to look at these guys, and guys in general, as though they are just more brothers in Christ and then I can see past the potentially falling for him factor. I want to be faithful to my husband. I have to imagine that he is sitting next to me all the time and he can read my thoughts. Are they pleasing to him? Are my actions towards other guys pleasing to him? Or am I going to make him want to punch another guy in the throat? I had one of those epiphany kinda moments this weekend. I always knew that I wanted to get married, but I couldn't make the connection in why I wanted to get married. It finally dawned on me. Through reading one of my books, it expanded on the whole Adam and Eve thing. God created Eve as a way for Adam to learn how to love God more. That's what I want from my marriage. I want my husband, who will be a blessing from God because I'm trusting God and waiting for His choice, to help me discover how to love God more. I want my marriage to glorify God and have someone that will be running right next to me in my pursuit to an incredible relationship with Christ. Through loving and honoring my husband, I will essentially learn how to love and honor God more.
I met with one of my friends from the Marathon worship team today. We were talking about my transition to NewSpring because as of Sunday I am no longer on the sound team at Marathon. I have officially put my heart in God's hands and am trusting Him with my future in sound. She made the comment to me that I am glowing. My first thought was that's because I'm in love. I'm in a love with the God who created the universe yet wants to have a deeply intimate and personal relationship with me. He is the twinkle in my eye, because my eyes are definitely twinkling. Most people might think that I'm full of crap, but they can think that. I have soo much joy in my life that is only caused by my love for Jesus. Are things perfect in my life? Nope, and I doubt they ever will be. I'm struggling with my relationship with my dad. I'm struggling with some co-workers at work. I still have my struggles. But I don't focus on them like Satan and society would like me to in order to steal my joy. In light of all of those struggles, I know that I am safely held in the arms of my God who will never forsake me and loves me beyond my wildest dreams. I am blessed far beyond my struggles. I am in some storms right now, but I know that God is there and I will eventually see daylight and come through them. That's why I can say that I'm doing great. I have something greater in me than what I could ever face before me. I'm in love and I'm falling more and more everyday. Nothing can steal that joy as long as I continue to learn how to put my trust in God and obediently follow Him. I may not understand it at the time, but I have found from experience that it is totally worth it. He has something greater planned for our lives than we could have ever imagined. I'm so greatly thankful that I learned sooner than later of God's amazing love for me because now I have more time to explore it and grow in it.
I think I'm finally done, but that is what has been on my heart. Oddly enough, it's only a part of what's been on my heart, but it'll do for now.
Soundtrack of my life
Originally posted May 15, 2007
Ok, so here's the deal. I get the craziest kind of ideas or thoughts early in the morning when I first wake up or late at night moments before I'm out. So here's the latest idea that I'm going to run with. I really like this. Here's how it started. The thought: I love soundtracks in movies. They can really capture a moment. Hmmm.. I wonder what the soundtrack to my life would be. I'm also really good about quoting songs to people as a form of advice. Sometimes I can find the words to say and they just fit so well. So say I was to take something like 15 songs and put them on a CD and hand it off to someone and this CD would represent who I am, what I believe, and the way I feel. Just by listening to this CD they would get a good glimpse of what I'm like. Hmm... I thought. Good idear there. So that's what I'm doing. I'm combing through all the archives in my mind and creating new ones to find the 15 songs that represent my life and to really be able to say why they do. So far I've got a grand total of 1…14 more to go.
The first song is from Mute Math and it's called "OK". This song represents so much, because I'm definitely one of those kind of people that God has to reassure that it's ok, just calm yourself, it's ok. When I care about something a lot, I can get really strung out at times because I want it to be great or I want to try to keep it all together. Like sound. Even during practices I want it to be just glorious sounding for Him. I feel that sometimes in life you need someone to tell you that it's ok. I also love the beginning of the song. It makes me think of running and jumping off a cliff (i.e. leap of faith) and your just free falling and when the drum first hits and the music starts it's like when you realize that you've been in God's hand the whole time and He allows your to soar through the air to places you could have never imagined. So that's it so far. But when I start to pull the other 14 together, I'll post them up here with the explanations. This is something that needs careful consideration. Hmmm..until next time.
Ok, so here's the deal. I get the craziest kind of ideas or thoughts early in the morning when I first wake up or late at night moments before I'm out. So here's the latest idea that I'm going to run with. I really like this. Here's how it started. The thought: I love soundtracks in movies. They can really capture a moment. Hmmm.. I wonder what the soundtrack to my life would be. I'm also really good about quoting songs to people as a form of advice. Sometimes I can find the words to say and they just fit so well. So say I was to take something like 15 songs and put them on a CD and hand it off to someone and this CD would represent who I am, what I believe, and the way I feel. Just by listening to this CD they would get a good glimpse of what I'm like. Hmm... I thought. Good idear there. So that's what I'm doing. I'm combing through all the archives in my mind and creating new ones to find the 15 songs that represent my life and to really be able to say why they do. So far I've got a grand total of 1…14 more to go.
The first song is from Mute Math and it's called "OK". This song represents so much, because I'm definitely one of those kind of people that God has to reassure that it's ok, just calm yourself, it's ok. When I care about something a lot, I can get really strung out at times because I want it to be great or I want to try to keep it all together. Like sound. Even during practices I want it to be just glorious sounding for Him. I feel that sometimes in life you need someone to tell you that it's ok. I also love the beginning of the song. It makes me think of running and jumping off a cliff (i.e. leap of faith) and your just free falling and when the drum first hits and the music starts it's like when you realize that you've been in God's hand the whole time and He allows your to soar through the air to places you could have never imagined. So that's it so far. But when I start to pull the other 14 together, I'll post them up here with the explanations. This is something that needs careful consideration. Hmmm..until next time.
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