Affliction

Originally posted June 9, 2008

I was officially diagnosed with bi-polar disorder on June 3rd. It was the most liberating day of my life. I have known for the past 4 years that I am, as I had a neurologist tell me. But being prideful, ashamed, stubborn, etc., etc., I knowingly lied to the psychologist so he couldn't diagnose me then and get me help. Now if you know some bipolar people, they tend to swing from manic to depressed and it can happen rapidly. Think Britney Spears. Anyone who knows me knows that I may swing, but not as extreme, yet at least. Only by the grace of God have I not been as extreme as some of my fellow bi-polar peeps. However, this is not a condition that gets better over time nor is it curable. It only gets worse. The best way to deal with it for most, including me, is by medication to help stabilize us. So far the medication has been working like a charm. One of the side effects, which for most is not desirable, is sedation. At the low dosage I am on, it is a helpful side effect as I have issue with sleeping. The best part is that it doesn't make me fall asleep but it keeps me there when I am. It hasn't disrupted working my second job. I was able to go all night and not be in a state of wanting to sleep which is a blessing.

Most people would say that being diagnosed with this isn't a good thing. I tend to agree to a point. It means that I will be one medicine the rest of my life, which I'm not particularly fond of doing. It also means that over time my medicine may have to change which can be really frustrating. There is also a stigma out there about mental illness. There are people who will use it against and cause you pain with their words and actions. But the reason why I'm not going to let it get to me and look at all the bad is because I serve a God who is bigger than my mental problems. From now on I don't have to try to hide it or deny it or try to control it on my own like I have been for the past 4 years. It is almost as liberating as the day that I finally realized how sucky of a person I was and that I didn't really get the gospel or know Jesus. Until that point I was trying to get to heaven by my own good works, much like the man in Matthew 19:26-30. His issue, and mine, was that he was missing something important. That something was Jesus. This morning I got an incredible different view of this text and something just struck me and stood out with me in a way I never experienced with this text before.

God has been dealing with my overall health in a way I didn't expect. In January 2007, I woke up one morning and I wasn't in pain. It followed 2 more days and God told me that He healed me when I questioned the lack of pain that had been there for the past few years. I responded with lets get me healthy. I was only thinking about the physical health part. God, being His awesome self, was looking at the overall picture. He has been getting me healthy not only physically, which about to get even more intense and serious, but also financially, mentally, and spiritually, as in my walk with Him and my understanding/wisdom of the word. All of these have been slow coming things but I can see the changes now. I have repeatedly asked that He would grow me in these areas and He is, rather painfully at times.

One of the biggest things that I've been seeing Him doing is changing my theology. There are so many things we say and do that aren't biblical and we don't, well at least I, do even realize it. There have been things that I've been taught that aren't biblical ways of thinking and I want to change that. When someone comes to me I want to be able to give them biblical advice that will be laced with the gospel and point them to God. That's how I am starting to understand by what God means when He commands us to love others. I want to love as He calls me to.

So He's been dealing with my communication, or lack there or, and also with stepping up and being bold to say things. I'm not a confrontational kind of person, but there are times when I have to step up and ask hard questions or call someone out on something. I've been good on the grace and mercy part, but I definitely need to be built up on the truth part. I'm getting that now and it's awesome.

I have a long way to go, but I know that God is there the entire time and He loves me. If being bi-polar is one of the burdens I have to carry until Jesus comes back or I go to see Him in heaven then I'm going to embrace 1 Peter 2:21 "For God called you to do good, even if it means suffering, just as Christ suffered for you. He is your example, and you must follow in his steps." I can't forget the ever popular Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Even Paul had an affliction that was with him until he died. I'm not going to let my affliction keep me from using it as a testimony of God's great love and grace. Because of this I have an even greater understanding of what was meant in James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." My faith is lacking something so I know that God will use this to mature it so it will be completed. I know this won't be easy but if God is big enough to save us from ourselves and what we truly deserve, then He is big enough to walk me through this and He will get the glory because of it!

~Steph