I love buying books. Not always the best at reading them right away. I have accumlated quite a collection. I would love to build a library of different subjects and authors. I started with about 5 when I moved 2 years ago and am now around 60. I have 5 different translations of the Bible. I am now adding another one. I have the NLT study bible. The ESV study bible is set to release in October. I just pre-ordered by copy here. When you pre-order the ESV study bible you received a 35% discount AND 5% of the cost will go the the Act 29 network. This is the network that Mark Driscoll was involved in setting up to help take Christ to the world. Mark has commented several times on the ESV translations and I know that there are many churches that use it as their standard translation for teaching. I'm excited about this new addition to my collection!
~Steph
About Me
- Steph
- I'm learning how to be unapologetically Steph. I'm a work in progress, but since God loves me,I'm learning to love me. Most blogs are long, I think in long forms, rather analytical. I love Jesus!
Friday, June 13, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Happy Father's Day
Happy Father's Day dad! I know I'm few days early, but hey ya know. I doubt you'll ever read this but I just wanted to say I love you. I know you have been upset ever since I moved, for that fact, but you really did raise me so well that I can do well on my own. I know you want to be there to take care of me, but daddy, please trust in my Heavenly Father to protect and guide me. Before I was yours, I was His. I will always cherish the time we had out in the shop or in the field. The times when we would sit and talk for hours and hours about anything under the sun. I won't forget the fishing trips and camping excursions. I really did have a great childhood so that you for that. Even though I may not call as often as I probably should, I think about you a lot. I love you daddy and that will never change!Sis
Affliction
Originally posted June 9, 2008
I was officially diagnosed with bi-polar disorder on June 3rd. It was the most liberating day of my life. I have known for the past 4 years that I am, as I had a neurologist tell me. But being prideful, ashamed, stubborn, etc., etc., I knowingly lied to the psychologist so he couldn't diagnose me then and get me help. Now if you know some bipolar people, they tend to swing from manic to depressed and it can happen rapidly. Think Britney Spears. Anyone who knows me knows that I may swing, but not as extreme, yet at least. Only by the grace of God have I not been as extreme as some of my fellow bi-polar peeps. However, this is not a condition that gets better over time nor is it curable. It only gets worse. The best way to deal with it for most, including me, is by medication to help stabilize us. So far the medication has been working like a charm. One of the side effects, which for most is not desirable, is sedation. At the low dosage I am on, it is a helpful side effect as I have issue with sleeping. The best part is that it doesn't make me fall asleep but it keeps me there when I am. It hasn't disrupted working my second job. I was able to go all night and not be in a state of wanting to sleep which is a blessing.
Most people would say that being diagnosed with this isn't a good thing. I tend to agree to a point. It means that I will be one medicine the rest of my life, which I'm not particularly fond of doing. It also means that over time my medicine may have to change which can be really frustrating. There is also a stigma out there about mental illness. There are people who will use it against and cause you pain with their words and actions. But the reason why I'm not going to let it get to me and look at all the bad is because I serve a God who is bigger than my mental problems. From now on I don't have to try to hide it or deny it or try to control it on my own like I have been for the past 4 years. It is almost as liberating as the day that I finally realized how sucky of a person I was and that I didn't really get the gospel or know Jesus. Until that point I was trying to get to heaven by my own good works, much like the man in Matthew 19:26-30. His issue, and mine, was that he was missing something important. That something was Jesus. This morning I got an incredible different view of this text and something just struck me and stood out with me in a way I never experienced with this text before.
God has been dealing with my overall health in a way I didn't expect. In January 2007, I woke up one morning and I wasn't in pain. It followed 2 more days and God told me that He healed me when I questioned the lack of pain that had been there for the past few years. I responded with lets get me healthy. I was only thinking about the physical health part. God, being His awesome self, was looking at the overall picture. He has been getting me healthy not only physically, which about to get even more intense and serious, but also financially, mentally, and spiritually, as in my walk with Him and my understanding/wisdom of the word. All of these have been slow coming things but I can see the changes now. I have repeatedly asked that He would grow me in these areas and He is, rather painfully at times.
One of the biggest things that I've been seeing Him doing is changing my theology. There are so many things we say and do that aren't biblical and we don't, well at least I, do even realize it. There have been things that I've been taught that aren't biblical ways of thinking and I want to change that. When someone comes to me I want to be able to give them biblical advice that will be laced with the gospel and point them to God. That's how I am starting to understand by what God means when He commands us to love others. I want to love as He calls me to.
So He's been dealing with my communication, or lack there or, and also with stepping up and being bold to say things. I'm not a confrontational kind of person, but there are times when I have to step up and ask hard questions or call someone out on something. I've been good on the grace and mercy part, but I definitely need to be built up on the truth part. I'm getting that now and it's awesome.
I have a long way to go, but I know that God is there the entire time and He loves me. If being bi-polar is one of the burdens I have to carry until Jesus comes back or I go to see Him in heaven then I'm going to embrace 1 Peter 2:21 "For God called you to do good, even if it means suffering, just as Christ suffered for you. He is your example, and you must follow in his steps." I can't forget the ever popular Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Even Paul had an affliction that was with him until he died. I'm not going to let my affliction keep me from using it as a testimony of God's great love and grace. Because of this I have an even greater understanding of what was meant in James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." My faith is lacking something so I know that God will use this to mature it so it will be completed. I know this won't be easy but if God is big enough to save us from ourselves and what we truly deserve, then He is big enough to walk me through this and He will get the glory because of it!
~Steph
I was officially diagnosed with bi-polar disorder on June 3rd. It was the most liberating day of my life. I have known for the past 4 years that I am, as I had a neurologist tell me. But being prideful, ashamed, stubborn, etc., etc., I knowingly lied to the psychologist so he couldn't diagnose me then and get me help. Now if you know some bipolar people, they tend to swing from manic to depressed and it can happen rapidly. Think Britney Spears. Anyone who knows me knows that I may swing, but not as extreme, yet at least. Only by the grace of God have I not been as extreme as some of my fellow bi-polar peeps. However, this is not a condition that gets better over time nor is it curable. It only gets worse. The best way to deal with it for most, including me, is by medication to help stabilize us. So far the medication has been working like a charm. One of the side effects, which for most is not desirable, is sedation. At the low dosage I am on, it is a helpful side effect as I have issue with sleeping. The best part is that it doesn't make me fall asleep but it keeps me there when I am. It hasn't disrupted working my second job. I was able to go all night and not be in a state of wanting to sleep which is a blessing.
Most people would say that being diagnosed with this isn't a good thing. I tend to agree to a point. It means that I will be one medicine the rest of my life, which I'm not particularly fond of doing. It also means that over time my medicine may have to change which can be really frustrating. There is also a stigma out there about mental illness. There are people who will use it against and cause you pain with their words and actions. But the reason why I'm not going to let it get to me and look at all the bad is because I serve a God who is bigger than my mental problems. From now on I don't have to try to hide it or deny it or try to control it on my own like I have been for the past 4 years. It is almost as liberating as the day that I finally realized how sucky of a person I was and that I didn't really get the gospel or know Jesus. Until that point I was trying to get to heaven by my own good works, much like the man in Matthew 19:26-30. His issue, and mine, was that he was missing something important. That something was Jesus. This morning I got an incredible different view of this text and something just struck me and stood out with me in a way I never experienced with this text before.
God has been dealing with my overall health in a way I didn't expect. In January 2007, I woke up one morning and I wasn't in pain. It followed 2 more days and God told me that He healed me when I questioned the lack of pain that had been there for the past few years. I responded with lets get me healthy. I was only thinking about the physical health part. God, being His awesome self, was looking at the overall picture. He has been getting me healthy not only physically, which about to get even more intense and serious, but also financially, mentally, and spiritually, as in my walk with Him and my understanding/wisdom of the word. All of these have been slow coming things but I can see the changes now. I have repeatedly asked that He would grow me in these areas and He is, rather painfully at times.
One of the biggest things that I've been seeing Him doing is changing my theology. There are so many things we say and do that aren't biblical and we don't, well at least I, do even realize it. There have been things that I've been taught that aren't biblical ways of thinking and I want to change that. When someone comes to me I want to be able to give them biblical advice that will be laced with the gospel and point them to God. That's how I am starting to understand by what God means when He commands us to love others. I want to love as He calls me to.
So He's been dealing with my communication, or lack there or, and also with stepping up and being bold to say things. I'm not a confrontational kind of person, but there are times when I have to step up and ask hard questions or call someone out on something. I've been good on the grace and mercy part, but I definitely need to be built up on the truth part. I'm getting that now and it's awesome.
I have a long way to go, but I know that God is there the entire time and He loves me. If being bi-polar is one of the burdens I have to carry until Jesus comes back or I go to see Him in heaven then I'm going to embrace 1 Peter 2:21 "For God called you to do good, even if it means suffering, just as Christ suffered for you. He is your example, and you must follow in his steps." I can't forget the ever popular Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Even Paul had an affliction that was with him until he died. I'm not going to let my affliction keep me from using it as a testimony of God's great love and grace. Because of this I have an even greater understanding of what was meant in James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." My faith is lacking something so I know that God will use this to mature it so it will be completed. I know this won't be easy but if God is big enough to save us from ourselves and what we truly deserve, then He is big enough to walk me through this and He will get the glory because of it!
~Steph
The surreal life.
Originally posted May 26, 2008
There is something incredibly surreal for me when I come home. Even more so when I come to my mom's house. Mom lives in the area that I grew up. It never seems to fail that some things will be different. A new building or house that has been built somewhere. A store closed or a restaurant revamped or opened. Tomorrow I might be bold enough to make the trek to my childhood home. It was sold last year. For some reason there is an utter sadness in me that I don't quite understand. It's like the time that I sold my saxophone for money to pay my bills because I was that desperate. Up to the moment of the transaction I was fine. But as I handed my saxophone over I felt as though I had sold my memories. Even though I have lived 1100 miles away from my childhood home for going on two years now, there is something that is just strange about not being able to go to the house that was my bedroom. To go to my fishing hole in hopes of some bass or blue gale. To roam on the 80 acres that was once ours. To explore the buildings on the farm in search of "treasure".
God has been doing something in me I don't quite understand. It's as though everything from my past is coming up…maybe for me to deal with. Before I really met Jesus I was a shell. I didn't want to feel anything and I was completely delusional to my life. I hid from my past, that or locked it away, and pretended that it never happened. Coming back to my place of birth shouldn't be this hard, yet, it's as though I'm being confronted by my past and I don't know why. My eyes seem to be open wide to why I have some difficulties in my life. Things that were passed on from my parents. Things I don't want to pass onto my kids. I'm completely out of my comfort zone right now and I totally cannot feel God, nor do I feel worthy to be called His.
God has been working on my pride. I am like a two year old. I want to do everything on my own. "I can do it" is my attitude. I love helping other people, yet, I seem to struggle asking others for help. Sometimes I use the cover of not wanting to inconvenience them. Other times it's other excuses. I recently, within the past couple of weeks, was finally broken enough to admit that I am bipolar and I need help. Mental issues run in my family and I wasn't able to escape. I have been in denial for four year now. I am finally at the point where I can't control or manage it anymore. I can't hide it. My swings have gotten too bad. It makes me become this person I don't want to be. Maybe I'm in the downward depressed state at the moment. It usually seems that is when I'm most honest with myself. It is also when things overwhelm me the most. There are times, like right now, that I don't think I deserve to be called God's daughter. I seem to doubt my ability to connect with my Heavenly Father, maybe because I've lost connection with my own earthly father. I just want so badly to get to Heaven one day and for God to look at me and say well done good and faithful servant. People around say things alluding to the sense that I've got things together when I actually feel like I'm falling apart and only being held by a thread. I know that thread is Jesus. It amazes me that He doesn't let go. It's the only reason why I don't let go at times. I really just don't get God's love and mercy and grace. I desire to be all of these things. Yet I feel like I'm never going to get there. I feel like I'm not doing it right. Something isn't clicking. I feel like I am so far away from God right now. I feel lonely. Maybe I just feel too much. I know that God is right with me. David talked about it in Psalm 23. I don't know what God is doing right now in me, and even though it hurts, I don't want Him to give up on me. I just want to know Jesus and the Father and know the whisper of the Holy Spirit.
There are so many things I don't understand about life, faith, God. I want to. James 1:5 says to ask God for wisdom and He will give it to you accordingly. I have asked God over and over again for wisdom. I think part of my problem is that I want things now. I want the place where I will be in 20 more year of walking with Jesus now, without having to go through the other 19 years. Yet I know the other 19 are important and I can't skip them otherwise I wouldn't be where I will be in 20 years. I just want this cluttered fog to lift from me so I can see God clearly. I want to know who the God of the bible really is, not the false idol that I followed for all of those years. I want to know who Jesus really is, not the Jesus I made him to be for my own selfish desires. I want to know it is the Holy Spirit whispering to my soul guiding me through all things, not my voice of doubt and despair. I want that relationship with God before anyone else. I don't even want a husband until I can have that relationship with God. I don't want to forsake God for a man. For the here and now. I want to live out the purpose that God created me for. It's hard, when I barely know what it is, when I barely know my Father, when I have a screwed view of the Man who saved my soul from what it deserved. But do know that one day I will get there, not by my own doing, but, by the grace of God alone.
In these times, when I feel alone, I go back to one of only a few fond childhood memories. The memories of as a little girl singing, "Jesus loves me this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong. They are weak but He is strong. Yes Jesus loves me. Yes Jesus loves me. Yes Jesus loves me, the bible tells me so." It is upon this promise that my faith will rest and rely. I know that this storm shall too pass. Even though I do not feel God, it is not by feeling alone that I am grounded. My faith stands in trusting the Word of God. There are a lot of things I don't know that it says, but there are some important things that I do know. One of those is the Jesus loves and one day He will come back for me and there will no longer be tears of sadness. Until that day, I want to learn more of He who saved me. In Him my hope relies, and how can I rely on someone I barely know, or think I know but really don't. The answer is simple. Call upon His name and find refuge in His word.
~Steph
There is something incredibly surreal for me when I come home. Even more so when I come to my mom's house. Mom lives in the area that I grew up. It never seems to fail that some things will be different. A new building or house that has been built somewhere. A store closed or a restaurant revamped or opened. Tomorrow I might be bold enough to make the trek to my childhood home. It was sold last year. For some reason there is an utter sadness in me that I don't quite understand. It's like the time that I sold my saxophone for money to pay my bills because I was that desperate. Up to the moment of the transaction I was fine. But as I handed my saxophone over I felt as though I had sold my memories. Even though I have lived 1100 miles away from my childhood home for going on two years now, there is something that is just strange about not being able to go to the house that was my bedroom. To go to my fishing hole in hopes of some bass or blue gale. To roam on the 80 acres that was once ours. To explore the buildings on the farm in search of "treasure".
God has been doing something in me I don't quite understand. It's as though everything from my past is coming up…maybe for me to deal with. Before I really met Jesus I was a shell. I didn't want to feel anything and I was completely delusional to my life. I hid from my past, that or locked it away, and pretended that it never happened. Coming back to my place of birth shouldn't be this hard, yet, it's as though I'm being confronted by my past and I don't know why. My eyes seem to be open wide to why I have some difficulties in my life. Things that were passed on from my parents. Things I don't want to pass onto my kids. I'm completely out of my comfort zone right now and I totally cannot feel God, nor do I feel worthy to be called His.
God has been working on my pride. I am like a two year old. I want to do everything on my own. "I can do it" is my attitude. I love helping other people, yet, I seem to struggle asking others for help. Sometimes I use the cover of not wanting to inconvenience them. Other times it's other excuses. I recently, within the past couple of weeks, was finally broken enough to admit that I am bipolar and I need help. Mental issues run in my family and I wasn't able to escape. I have been in denial for four year now. I am finally at the point where I can't control or manage it anymore. I can't hide it. My swings have gotten too bad. It makes me become this person I don't want to be. Maybe I'm in the downward depressed state at the moment. It usually seems that is when I'm most honest with myself. It is also when things overwhelm me the most. There are times, like right now, that I don't think I deserve to be called God's daughter. I seem to doubt my ability to connect with my Heavenly Father, maybe because I've lost connection with my own earthly father. I just want so badly to get to Heaven one day and for God to look at me and say well done good and faithful servant. People around say things alluding to the sense that I've got things together when I actually feel like I'm falling apart and only being held by a thread. I know that thread is Jesus. It amazes me that He doesn't let go. It's the only reason why I don't let go at times. I really just don't get God's love and mercy and grace. I desire to be all of these things. Yet I feel like I'm never going to get there. I feel like I'm not doing it right. Something isn't clicking. I feel like I am so far away from God right now. I feel lonely. Maybe I just feel too much. I know that God is right with me. David talked about it in Psalm 23. I don't know what God is doing right now in me, and even though it hurts, I don't want Him to give up on me. I just want to know Jesus and the Father and know the whisper of the Holy Spirit.
There are so many things I don't understand about life, faith, God. I want to. James 1:5 says to ask God for wisdom and He will give it to you accordingly. I have asked God over and over again for wisdom. I think part of my problem is that I want things now. I want the place where I will be in 20 more year of walking with Jesus now, without having to go through the other 19 years. Yet I know the other 19 are important and I can't skip them otherwise I wouldn't be where I will be in 20 years. I just want this cluttered fog to lift from me so I can see God clearly. I want to know who the God of the bible really is, not the false idol that I followed for all of those years. I want to know who Jesus really is, not the Jesus I made him to be for my own selfish desires. I want to know it is the Holy Spirit whispering to my soul guiding me through all things, not my voice of doubt and despair. I want that relationship with God before anyone else. I don't even want a husband until I can have that relationship with God. I don't want to forsake God for a man. For the here and now. I want to live out the purpose that God created me for. It's hard, when I barely know what it is, when I barely know my Father, when I have a screwed view of the Man who saved my soul from what it deserved. But do know that one day I will get there, not by my own doing, but, by the grace of God alone.
In these times, when I feel alone, I go back to one of only a few fond childhood memories. The memories of as a little girl singing, "Jesus loves me this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong. They are weak but He is strong. Yes Jesus loves me. Yes Jesus loves me. Yes Jesus loves me, the bible tells me so." It is upon this promise that my faith will rest and rely. I know that this storm shall too pass. Even though I do not feel God, it is not by feeling alone that I am grounded. My faith stands in trusting the Word of God. There are a lot of things I don't know that it says, but there are some important things that I do know. One of those is the Jesus loves and one day He will come back for me and there will no longer be tears of sadness. Until that day, I want to learn more of He who saved me. In Him my hope relies, and how can I rely on someone I barely know, or think I know but really don't. The answer is simple. Call upon His name and find refuge in His word.
~Steph
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