Proverbs Journaling Part 1

I just made one of the best investments ever. I bought an audio version of the ESV bible. I've been listening to proverbs all day. This afternoon I finally started to journal my thoughts as I'd hear some of the proverbs. Here's what I've got so far today. Enjoy ~ Steph

Proverbs 4:7 The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom, and whatever you get, get insight. -----This is a whole bunch of awesomeness bottled up with a pinch of what the crap does that mean wrapped up in a nice, neat, small package. A lot to unpack there.

Proverbs 4: 19 The way of the wicked is like deep darkness; they do not know over what they stumble. -----dang…Jesus prayed for our forgiveness based on this verse. That’s why He said forgive them, for they know not what they do. WOW

Proverbs 30: 7 Two things I ask of you; deny them not to me before I die: 8 Remove far from me falsehood and lying; give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the food that is needful for me, 9lest I be full and deny you and say, "Who is the LORD?" or lest I be poor and steal and profane the name of my God. ----This is my prayer. Wow is all I can really say. I love putting words to cries of my heart.

Proverbs 10:9 Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out. ---sometimes it seems as though people get away with living in an ungodly way and it gets hard to live with integrity. At the end of the day it is better to live with integrity and know that you are secure in that and no one can accuse you due to your blameless living than try to cheat the light that will eventually overcome the darkness. All things in the dark will eventually be brought to light.

Proverbs 18:22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD. ---Basically this is the verse that tells us girls not to pursue, that we are to be pursued. I like this verse. It reminds me that I need to wait on the Lord (and not in a passive manner either) and He will put it on my husbands heart to find me. Until then I want to do everything I can to become the woman that he deserves to have. Who wants to be like a dripping faucet, enticing him to put up a tent on the roof to get away from me.

Proverbs 11: 2 When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom.
--- When pride starts to yield it’s ugly head it will lead you to disgrace and looking stupid and foolish. Part of wisdom is being humble in that wisdom. You can tell whether a person is wise by how humble they are. Hmmm… that’s just what came to mind when I heard that.

Proverbs 22: 7 The rich rules over the poor, and the borrower is the slave of the lender. ---This is why credit cards and loans are BAD…hence, why I’m working like a maniac to get rid of them. I am not free because I am chained to them…I am indebted to them for now. I don’t want to be indebted to them.

Proverbs 6: 16 There are six things that the LORD hates,seven that are an abomination to him: 17haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, 18 a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, 19 a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers. ---Dang…take all of those into note.

Proverbs 6: 27 Can a man carry fire next to his chest and his clothes not be burned?28Or can one walk on hot coals and his feet not be scorched? ---Basically…don’t think your bigger than temptation. You will get burned.

Proverbs 12: 1Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid. --- I need to get a list of what proverbs directly says is wisdom or knowledge. This would be one of them on the list to have.

Proverbs 12: 4 An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones. ---I want so desperately to be a crown and not rot. I pray that through diligently seeking/fearing God and spending time in the word I will be transformed into this crown. On a funny side note, my name (Stephanie) means crowned one. I wonder how well I’m living up to that name. Hmmm…good thoughts.

Proverbs 12: 15 The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice. ---I need to have wise people who love me surrounding me. They will see through my crap. I need to listen to them and take up their advice with God and learn from what they see that I can’t. I’ve got to stop being stubborn when they advise me and I don’t like nor agree with what they say, though it is true. Sometime their words can save me going around the mountain multiple times like the Israelites wandered around for 40 years.

Proverbs 21: 22 A wise man scales the city of the mighty and brings down the stronghold in which they trust. --- I’m taking this proverb as a wise man will look inward at himself and seek to see what it is that he is trusting in that he needs to turn over to God. What is my inward security blanket that is coming over trusting God? For example, some people its money, or status, or people. Basically what is your idol that you are holding onto. I’ve always got to look in at myself to see if there are any stronghold’s that don’t need to be there.

Proverbs 8: 13 The fear of the LORD is hatred of evil. Pride and arrogance and the way of evil and perverted speech I hate. ---I wrestled with defining what it meant to ‘fear the Lord’. This proverb obviously sheds light on it. If I align my life with Him in hating these things and by not becoming these things, I am on the right path. The word fear can be used in so many ways, and it is usually thought of in a negative way. But there is also the meaning of fear in a sense of awe, wonder, and respect. I think you need to have a healthy balance of realizing God can squash you like a bug, (i.e. your breathing because He says you can breathe) and God loves you so much that He made a way to Him. Once you accept that way as the only way to you and begin a real relationship with I think it moves from being petrified of Him squishing you to balancing out the scales of negative with the positive fear factors of love, respect, awe, etc. form of fearing God. That’s what I’ve found at least.

Proverbs 8: 17 I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me. ---I think that this is Jesus talking in this part. I love the promise in this verse. Gives me peace and comforts me.

Proverbs 25: 2 It is the glory of God to conceal things, but the glory of kings is to search things out. --- This proverb makes me think of the movie One Night with the King. It’s the movie version of Esther. I love it. There is a lot to take from this when it comes to guarding your heart. I open my too freely at times and put it all out there. The one who is worthy of it will pursue it. I must let God conceal it, as it is though a precious pearl, and the one who is worthy of it, the prince of my King, will seek it out. Hmm…anyway.

Proverbs 29: 11A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back. ---For me this means that I don’t need to be like the fool and give my opinion all the time and always have to be right. I can’t let my pride make a fool out of me. There are times when there is no point arguing with a fool, (someone who always has to be right). It hurts our pride more than anything else to allow them to be right, even if they are not. God will deal with them on that issue.

Proverbs 14:1 The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down. ---I can easily jack up my “house” (i.e. all the things I’ve toiled for and worked for) by being foolish/ a moron. This verse puts some fear in me.

Proverbs 14: 2 Whoever walks in uprightness fears the LORD, but he who is devious in his ways despises him. ----Another verses defining what it means to fear the Lord. Must start a ‘Fearing the Lord’ list to help me piece all of these together so I know according to the proverbs what biblical fear of the Lord looks like.

I hear the rain...

So my last post described where I was this past weekend. Good news. God has delivered me again!!! Whoo Hoo for Jesus! Here is what He pressed into my heart through this whole experience.

1.) Don’t let what seems to be logical in my situation control the perspective God has given to me. In essence what I’m trying to say is it would be really easy for me to listen to satan when he whispers in my ear that no one is purusing me possibly because I’m not “pretty enough”. God has told me different and I can’t listen to that garbage. In the moments that I do give it some weight I've learned to beg God to let me see myself the way He sees me and then those thoughts disappear.

2.) God is bigger than my circumstances and even though I may not see it God is at work. He really hammered this in when I was reading the story of Hannah in 1 Samuel 1. She was mocked because she couldn’t have children. God had plans for her bigger than she could ever imagine. She would be the one to give birth to Samuel, one of the great prophets of God. Then He went onto to bless her with even more children than she originally thought. She was taunted and mocked because of her circumstances. I feel that I relate to her in the same sense as that’s what it’s like for me in this society. I’m amazed at how many people just look right through me and a lot of times don’t even give me the chance of friendship due to my appearance, or so it would seem at times. It’s a sucky situation but I know that God has something great planned for me and just as He didn’t let any of Hannah’s tears and desperate cries out to Him go in vain, neither will mine.

3.) This leads me to the story of Elijah in 1 Kings 18:41-45. God put the rain in Elijah’s heart. He knew it would rain long before God had it rain. God has put something in my heart that just knows there is rain in my future. I know that there will be moments when I will be in such awe that I get to live the life I am. I can feel it. He’s about ready to open the doors to a future I never imagined or dreamed for myself. He has some really big plans in store and everyday and every step just gets me closer. I must be patient and wait on Him as His timing is always perfect.

So that’s where I’m at right now. I really don’t think things will get easier. Anytime satan is able to get me to stumble down, because there will be times when he will, he is going to flail on me with everything he’s got as hard and as long as he can before God swoops down and saves me. In those moments of my deepest despair I hold onto the hope God has placed in my heart that He is about to someone incredible as soon as I get through this and to hold on to Him. He is the anchor of my soul and the reason I won’t give up. ~ Steph

Holding onto the "is"...

I am amazed at time. Amazed by God's creation, beauty, mystique, grace, love, etc. etc. I am amazed at myself. I am amazed that at times all of that (the stuff listed about God) doesn’t seem to phase me as it should. I am amazed that even though He’s walked me through an area of my life, that I go right back there and need to be led out again. I’m amazed that He continues to do it. This past weekend I found myself back at this place I didn’t want to be in. I found myself wanting to block out everyone and everything. I found myself getting so beat up that I honestly wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I found myself fighting off thoughts that I haven’t had in a long time. I found myself battling the issue of my worth once again. I find myself holding on the "is". The statement of how are you? Followed by an answer of of Steph is...

It all started late last week. I’ve had so many things going on between working two jobs and volunteering and home group and all of the things life brings that it is a struggle to get to the gym. I don’t know whether it’s the meds I’m on or what, but when I put on a pair of jeans that have been loose on me, I lost it, in a bad way. They were so tight I could barely squeeze them on without having to unbutton them. It seemed as though all the progress that I had made last year with losing weight came to a screeching halt and started back peddling in a hurry. It amazes me how something so small as tight jeans can throw a girl into a tailspin.

By the end of the weekend I was feeling so bruised from the thoughts I had to fight off. The thoughts like, “Steph, you have a great personality, but your just not pretty enough to date.” “Steph, you know if you were prettier, you would probably have more friends that are guys.” “Steph, how’s the dating life? Oh ya, that’s right…you’ve never had a guy pursue you...hmm...I wonder why that is?” “Wow Steph, your 24 and you've never dated. Now I know you don’t define your worth by your dating status, but seriously Steph…something must not be clicking if you’ve never had a guy interested in you even once in your life…something’s got to be up with that right?” “Why do you even try….” “Steph, aren’t you suppose to find all of your worth and beauty in Jesus? Why isn’t that working for you huh?” “Why does it seem that something is always missing with you Steph? Something is always not in place? Why do you try to act like everything is ok and gloss over the surface of these questions? You should really evaluate yourself more..things just aren't working right.” “Why are you so intense at times? That probably has something to do with the lack of guys in your life. You realize the Lord made you too hard to handle?” “You are like the apple at the top of the tree. Most people won’t go up there to find you, partially because your hidden and no one sees you anyway.”

That’s basically what I contended with all weekend. I went to a concert on Saturday before work. I got so uncomfortable in my own skin that I had to leave earlier than I planned because I just couldn’t handle being around people. I was on the verge of tears all weekend. I think the thing that frustrates me the most is that I want to find all of my worth and beauty in Jesus and see myself the way He does and I keep finding myself in a place where I still want to have a guy pursue me. I still want a guy to hold me in his arms and feel his warmth and that safe and secure feeling. I still want a guy to look into my eyes and tell me that I’m beautiful and I know that he isn’t lying. So what’s the catch 22? I don’t want just any guy to do that. I want the guy that I’m going to marry to do that. I’m want him to be here right now in such a bad way, yet I know that if he’s not, one of us isn’t where God needs us to be and at times I have a feeling that it’s me. I know that if I had just any guy telling me any of those things that in the end I would be even more shattered than I feel at the moment. I am frustrated because where I am in this very moment and time everything God has told me doesn’t seem to hold the weight that it probably should. Maybe I just have gotten to a point where I don’t see me the way He sees me. I pray that I will again. There are just so many things going on in my head right now that I just need all of the negative junk out and only to have God’s truth in there. I need more of Him and I know that. I just want to be renewed and stop tormenting myself by getting all hyper analytical based on the thoughts that are being spoken by society and by my enemy. ~ Steph

Connecting

I love it when you can connect through a song. When the song can speak for you. I'm listening to the songs that I downloaded this past week and it's like they were written for the very moments that I'm going through right now. I'm very tired right now. I work 30-32 hours this weekend from Friday night to Sunday at noon 30. It was alot of work but it gave me a quite a bit of money to stash back. Enough so much that if I can do this for 3-4 more weeks I can pay off 2 more credit cards by July instead of Octoberish. I'm so jacked up right now with the way my debt reduction is coming along. My mindset has even been changed. It used to be that if I had a bit extra money I immediately wondered what I could spend it on. Now I want to save it...and I get excited by that! It amazes me what God can do to a person. I definitely am learning that His grace is enough. Moments like right now I feel like He is holding me so close because He knows where I'm at and how much of a struggle it is to keep everything together. I want to so badly. But I know I can't do it on my own. He's the one that keeps me going. The message Perry preached about Nehamiah and the wall is something that comes to my mind often. When I am so exhausted I don't think I can move another inch, I just remember that I am doing a great work and I can't come down. I can't give up. That God will strengthen my hands. All I do is ask, and He does. It's amazing. I'm learning about my Father in a way I wouldn't be able to experience if it wasn't for what I'm doing right now. Anyway. Enough for now. ~ Steph